Run for the Booty and a New PR

Gasparilla Tampa Bay Half Marathon: COMPLETED

Is that not the most rockin' finishers medal you've ever laid eyes on? I KNOW. BAD. ASS.

Chip Time: 1:52:09

Days since race: 2

PRs CRUSHED: 1

Minutes I took off my last time: 24

Concert attended race day: Yep

Hours spent PTFOd on the couch yesterday: apx 7

Post race massage: Most brilliant idea any race organizer has ever had EVER

Race Weather: Sketchy, hurricane-y, wet, windy, and almost pleasant.

Conversations I had on course with strangers: 5

Random running buddy Raoul: Better than the pacing team I started with.

Official results from the website

OK. I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I last wrote. Especially since I did in fact break the 40 minute mark on a 5 miler (finished strong in 39:07), set a new 5k PR and kicked ass on a couple tempos. My last 2 long runs were completely miserable however, and made me question why in the world I put myself through this garbage and don’t just run 5ks like a normal person? Well…because I’m a nutbag and 5k is not enough. That’s why. Last time I updated I just registered for this race. Well, I ran it and WIPED THE DAMN FLOOR WITH IT.

One of the official pics from the half. This was getting close to the finish. It was a little soggy and blustery.

For as much of a “yea whatever” as this felt like during training and even leading up to it and walking around the expo, the race was pretty awesome and I have to hand it to the organizers, they did a great job. There were plenty of aid stations, everyone was super friendly, we started on time and it didn’t feel like a mob scene and they funneled us right down through all the recovery stations to the convention center after the race right to where our massages were. And holy crap. That 10 minute massage probably is what kept me upright at the concert Sunday night rather than laying on the floor in a mangled pile of aching joints since it kept my right hip from locking up when I stopped moving. BRILLIANT. I will get the 20 minute one next time. I did feel bad going in there straight from the finish line with my sweaty gross legs, but everyone else was too and I know relatively it wasn’t that bad since it was all kinds of windy during the race.

The race shirt is pretty awesome too. Damn...I actually have runner's legs.

The feel of this race was SO completely different than the last and I think it was both due to the fact that I knew without question that I would finish and the pace I was running. The crowd you’re mixed in with while running 8:30 and faster miles is so much different than the 10 minute mile crew. Everyone in that group is running for a time goal and are much more focused than the jovial casual atmosphere in the 10:00/mile group, but they’re still super supportive of each other and friendly. I hardly saw anyone walking at all until I passed the 10 mile mark and even then not many. It’s cool how the attitude shifts as you get faster without losing the camaraderie. We still all cheered for the leaders as they passed on the turnaround and joked with each other, but there was also more conversation about pace and timing.

Runners may be crazy, but they really are pretty awesome people, I’m finding. During a race, we all band together and help support each other through each painful mile even though we’re all strangers and all running our own races with our own goals. If someone breaks down and walks, there are people around to give a peptalk, encourage you and get you started again. People yell out where the puddles are for those behind them and if there are potholes or rough spots. Everyone says “thank you” to the live entertainers, volunteers and supporters on course as they pass. In the predawn early race portion when all you hear are feet hitting the pavement, breathing and Garmins beeping to mark pace and distance it’s sort of surreal. I had to remind myself I was actually running a race. Especially because it’s distance running, so you settle in and get comfortable and it’s not a frenetic, adrenaline fueled flight to the finish with spectators cheering. There are occasional pace time checks and laughing, occasional yells of “Water, Right!” “Squeeze coming up!” or “Left turn ahead!”, occasional words of encouragement from people parked on the sidelines, but it’s just 6000 crazy people all running on quiet blocked off roads both together and in their own race. Crazy crazy people. And I’m one of them.

Ready to head to the start approximately 30 seconds before the deluge started. My sweet war shirt says "Trample the weak, Hurdle the dead" on the back. That was my mantra this race. ARRGGHH!!

Sitting in the car at about 5:15am waiting to head to the start, the wind was so strong you could feel it pushing the car around and it suddenly started pouring buckets. It legit looked like a hurricane outside and my crazy ass was getting ready to go out in it in some tech shorts and run. They weren’t going to call the race unless there was lightning, and if it was on, I was running. Have you seen that finishers medal?? It’s frickin’ sweet! I didn’t come all the way to Tampa to be scared off from taking that thing home by a little wind and rain. I say little….but the wind was 20+mph sustained. It was not fucking around. Hence why I wore the headband and double braided my hair. You do not want to have to fuck with that stuff in the middle of a race. Especially if it’s wet and windy. Makin’ sure it stayed out of my face and contained.

While I did get all kinds of prepared and packed up and brought all my stuff, ate a good breakfast and all, the weather distracted me and I totally forgot my knee brace and my sportshield. I had a moment of panic at the start where I went “SHIT. My knee is gonna blow out and I’m gonna have thigh/underboob blisters the size of pancakes by mile 5. This is bad.” Then I looked around, realized it was either run without or don’t run at all and went “Meh, fuck it. Let’s run.” I know. Super serious. Turned out I didn’t need either. My knees did just fine, my new Champion sports bra was AWESOME and my chicken legs are still skinny enough they don’t rub together anyway. So there. I consciously decided to not bring the camelback since there seemed to be enough aid stations and with the wind and wet it seemed like it would be more of a hindrance, which also meant I left behind the phone since I had nowhere to carry it and it was safer not getting rained on anyway.

I'm not paying $35 for this pic, so you get to see it with PROOF stamped on it. We'll just say that's for "PROOF" I did run the race. This was me early in the race while I was keeping up with the pace group.

At the last minute I hooked up with the 1:50:00 pace team in the starting area and stuck with them for the first half of the race. That meant they were trying to average 8:24 per mile. Since everyone’s packed together at the start and your first mile tends to be kind of slow, you have to make up that time in the subsequent miles. Well, the lady leading the group was not fucking around and by mile 3 we had made up a full minute and kept running somewhere between 7:40-8:00 per mile for the first 5 miles, I guess to buy some time for the bridge and wind. Yes, the wind was strong enough that it slowed you down considerably when it hit you full in the face and sometimes even when you caught the crosswind off the water. At around the 5 mile mark though, I realized if I didn’t cool it and back off to an actual 8:24-8:35 sort of pace, I’d burn out too early and be in bad shape towards the end, so I stopped for a second to drink my gatorade at the second aid station instead of just throwing it towards my face and hoping it landed in my mouth and I lost them over the bridge. Whatevs.

Side note, it is really hard to drink out of a paper cup while running. I’ve seen techniques like scrunching the cup so the opening is more of a slit or just straight pouring the water over your head with your mouth open, but the one time I did successfully get more water in than on me, I was spluttering and coughing for the next quarter mile from half inhaling some since I was, you know, running still. I finally determined it was better to just walk for 3 seconds, pound it and continue (those nights doing shots at the bar paid off!). Also, even though I know you’re supposed to, it is very hard to convince myself it’s OK to throw the cups and my Gu packets on the ground. Just feels wrong, both in the littering sense and the “I’m not a disrespectful slob and won’t make you volunteers who are nice enough to stand out here in the rain with water for us clean up after me” sense, but there weren’t any trash cans at all save for 1 or 2 stations, so that actually was the only option. Thus, I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!

Around mile 5 I paced and chatted with a grandfatherly sort of guy in an orange shirt who asked “you were with the 1:50:00 pace team too, huh?”. We then chatted about how the lead lady’s pace was sort of crazy and how we were in fact right on pace to meet the time anyway and he reminded me to “always run your own race, not someone else’s” which is good advice for distance running, but also a good thing to remember in general. Forget about “keeping up” with someone else. Run the race that’s right for you right now. Thanks Orange Gramps for the conversation and life lesson. See ya at the finish.

This is Raoul my pace buddy. I found him at the finish. He reminds me of my friend's dad.

At the halfway point, I started pacing a running-dad kind of guy who introduced himself as Raoul. He was super consistent in his pace and super friendly. We chatted a little and I yoyoed from next to him to ahead a bit and back for the rest of the race. The one time I broke down and walked at around mile 9 to work a kink out of my hip, I heard him behind me coming up yelling “Come on Kelly! You can do it! Keep going!” after which another guy in white passed me and said “Let’s go yellow! Don’t stop!”. I laughed and picked it up again. I wasn’t walking more than about 30 seconds to a minute. These guys weren’t having it. I need them on my training runs!

Yea, I finished. No big deal. They even gave me a sweet shiny cape for being so awesome.

At about 10 miles I had to do that “Ok. That was just a REALLY long warmup for a 5k. ONLY 5k left. That’s NOTHIN’. You got this.” By mile 11 though, I was out of steam. I was tired and achy and the wind was blowing against me hard enough to knock me off balance a couple times. I kept waiting for the last Gu I took at mile 9 to kick in and it kept not happening. I slowed down dramatically, but kept plugging. I ran 11 miles in about 1:33:00 and kept looking at the Garmin for time and distance going “Don’t give up now. You’re on track to kill it as long as you don’t start sandbagging now. No walking. Keep plugging. In like 15 minutes, you’ll be getting your sweet sweet skull medal and feasting on bananas and bagels and victory. Don’t listen to your hips and knees. They’re being whiny bitches.” Raoul helped peptalk me into picking up the pace a little, but then since he was being all consistently paced and I was petering out, I lost him in the last couple miles.

Not too much the worse for wear! SUCCESS!

In those last 2 miles I am hard pressed to tell you why I do this. Everything in me is screaming to stop, to sit down, to just not run any more. And then I round a corner and can see the finish line. And I push even though I don’t think I have anything left. Once I cross that line and stop the timer, there is a feeling that floods through me. Maybe it’s part relief that I don’t have to run any more, but seeing that timer just barely clicking over 1:53:00 and knowing my actual time was less than that as I finished and knowing just how huge an improvement that was and that I did in fact just run 13 miles on my own steam feels so good. Yes, a lot of people run these things now, but it’s still a small percentage of the people I know that can say they’ve finished a half marathon, and in a damn respectable time, to boot. I had the dedication and drive to train for and finish this thing. Fuck yea. I’m pretty awesome.

Hurroo Hurroo!! My phone takes pretty good pics!

Since I am apparently crazy in the coconut, I also bought tickets to go see the Dropkick Murphys in Orlando with my friends the night of the race. I could barely walk up the driveway to the house by the time we got home after jumping and stomping for 4 hours in the pit, but it was totally worth it. The show was awesome and I had a great time. All in all, a really bitchin’ day and another milestone.

Now to decide if I can squeeze in one more race and one more PR before I back it off for the summer. I’m not training in the heat again this year. I’ll stick to 3-5 milers early in the morning and then pick up seriously when the heat breaks in the fall. Got my eye on a half at the end of April, though. We shall see…the addiction has taken hold for sure.

Foot Stabbings, Creepers and Sunrise Running

Days to race: 40

Scheduled: 5 miles
Actual: 5.01 miles, 41:01, Avg: 8:13/m

Temp: 68F, Humidity: 91% – Oh, Florida. That’s cute. It’s supposed to be winter though, remember?

Gasparilla Half: I AM REGISTERED

10 minute post-race massage: Purchased. Sneaky fuckers.

Last week:

Huge sandspur spines that stabbed my feet: 2

Runs it prevented me from doing: 0

Tuesday Scheduled: 6 mile tempo run
Tuesday Actual: 6.0 miles (after cutting spines out of my foot), 48:16, Avg 8:02/m   Splits: 8:19, 7:46, 8:00, 8:27, 7:33, 8:06

Night running: Still easier

Morning running: Still nicer

Spinning bike: Totes my bitch

9 mile run: Should not be done without breakfast

Palm Bay: Rivals Rockledge for skeez-bags

I haven’t written anything for the last week because I have been extremely busy kicking ass at life, but now that I have a moment, I will fill you in.

Like wheat of death. This is a cruel joke by nature.

Last weekend I somehow had a stroke or mental episode of some sort and forgot that this is Florida and you can’t just run out to your car willy nilly barefoot through the grass to get your water bottle unless you have stone soled feet or hooves. I have neither. Thusly I got my feet turned into pincushions by a load of sandspurs. It happened to be the one chilly day of the year that locals endearingly call “winter”, so for an added bonus, they were frozen and extra sharp. For those of you fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with this atrocity of nature, I have included a handy dandy educational photo. There’s probably more of this than actual grass in any given area in this county. It’s horrifying neato. So after cursing profusely and leap-running back inside, I stood on the tile at the front door and gingerly picked them all out of my feet, trying to avoid having them stab my fingers too badly in the process and promptly set them on fire. Not really…but I should have. I thought I eradicated all of them without lasting damage, but I was mistaken.

Surgical implements used to dig out the offenders

Unfortunately I did not realize my oversight until the next morning when I got up and got ready to go out for my 6 mile tempo run. I tied on my shoes, stood up and…OMGMOTHERFUCK OUCHOUCHOUCH! I had 1 large sandspur spike and 1 smaller one lodged DEEP in the sole of my foot and the outside arch support of my shoe pushed directly on them. OK. This is not something I can just suck it up and run through. They were too deep to get at with tweezers (though that didn’t stop it from bringing tears to my eyes when I touched it wrong and sent a TWANG through my whole foot), even after soaking in Epsom salts. At this point it was too late for me to run before work, so I grumbled, got dressed and the run got put off. When I got home from work, I soaked my foot again and pulled out the big guns. Exacto knife and needle were sterilized and I gritted my teeth and dug those suckers out of the bottom of my foot like a badass. The big one was probably 1/8″ long. Not fucking around. Now that that is taken care of, I have 6 miles to run at tempo pace, if you don’t mind.

So very true.

I was so cocky about successfully digging those things out, I took my pre-run Gu and THEN sat down and started performing surgery on myself. I was going out. Better believe it. Stupid little devil plant isn’t sidelining me. I’ve dealt with way worse shit and still gone running. And I KICKED ASS. I rocked my tempo splits and kept a decent pace in the recovery sections. I’m pissed I had to stop and wait for a truck to pass to cross the street or I would have done 5 miles in under 40 minutes. Hit the 5 mile mark at 40:03. Next time, Batman. This was a good reminder that I have not totally acclimated to being a morning person. Running at night is still easier for my body. Pushing the pace just felt good. I’m able to hydrate and fuel better pre-run and that’s when my body WANTS to be active. But this race is an early morning race, so I’m trying to keep my runs in the AM hours.

The last few runs my shins and calves have been bothering me. Not sure if it’s because I’m running faster and so am pulling my toes up more than I used to or if my shoes are nearing the end of their useful life and not cutting the impact shock sufficiently. I still rocked even with screaming shins. Next tempo I’m aiming for 7:30 pace in the fast miles.

My worried about it face

My long run last week was a 9 miler. Due to alarm clock failure, I missed it on Friday so just pushed it to Saturday morning instead. I decided to do an out and back run from where I was in Palm Bay, which B-T-DUBS is the super redneck classy southern swamp portion of the county, like Rockledge’s southern cousin. I forgot to throw a granola bar in my bag, so I just hydrated really well and went out. I should also note that the previous night my dinner consisted of 2 brownies….and then 2 glasses of whiskey. Ummmm….that’s totes what distance runners eat before a long run, right? Definitely gonna get me through. Whatever. It’s fine. Let’s run.

Like this, but with less mountains and water and more traffic and houses.

I filled my camelback and started out just before dawn when it was still dark, foggy and chilly and headed east. The sunrise that morning was AMAZING. Just before the colors started showing up there were rays of yellow light shooting through the clouds into the hazy sky. Then the oranges and pinks started showing up on all the little scattered clouds and got super vivid before the sun popped through. It was BEAUTIFUL. I ran straight east for the first 4.5 miles and watched the whole thing until the sun was all the way up over the clouds. Even ran over the highway overpass and was tempted to stop for a second. SO pretty. One of those mornings when yea it’s early, yea I have a long way to run, but damn if I don’t feel good. By 8 AM I was finished and showered. I was so damn hungry I even ate McDonald’s for breakfast and it was delicious. W.T.F.?

On the way back, I passed a house with a skeevy lookin’ dude sitting on a bike in the driveway messing with his phone. One of those bikes that’s way too small for him but he thinks it makes him look “street” rather than developmentally stunted. About a half mile later I notice he is hanging behind me, pedaling slowly. OK creepo, I know you’re back there. Hope the view is nice. Try it and see how far you get before I relieve you of the few gold-capped yellow-brown teeth left in your skull. I moved onto the grass to make it clear I knew he was back there and was giving him room to pass. Eventually he did and hung about 200 feet in front of me for the next mile. He then slowed and stopped to mess with his phone and I passed him again. We did the hovering and “I know you’re back there asshat” again. This time though, he just got close and since I had at this point pulled out 1 earbud to keep closer tabs on him, he tried to string human words together into sentences aimed in my direction.

Skeez: “Dang, yu’r runnin faster than Ah’m pedallin’ ”

Me: “That’s kind of embarrassing for you.”

Skeez: “Nah, s’whatever. I dunn care. I can’t buhleeve you kep up that pace from all a way back there”

Me: “Yep”

Skeez: “Yu’r like the onny girl I know s’even up dis early”

Me: “Really? You know many girls?”

Skeez: “Haha. Haay, how far you go?”

Me: “9 miles today.”

Skeez:”Daaaaaaaaaannnnngg. Atsa long way. Whatchoo runnin’ that far for?”

Me: “Marathon”

Skeez: “Word. At’s coo. Whatchoo runnin’ a mayrthon for?”

Me: “Cause I feel like it”

I know. Be still my heart. At this point I noticed a break in traffic and used it to escape across the main road into a neighborhood before I succumbed to his charm and proposed marriage on the spot.

Sometimes I think there should be a missed connections section on Craigslist for creepers that stalk you and yell lewd things from cars while you run. There must be some emotionally damaged people out there who could find love that way.

“I was running along the side of the road Saturday morning when you glided up behind me on your super cool bike. I could tell you were environmentally conscious and an athlete like me since you were riding your bike instead of driving. The way you had your hood pulled up was really mysterious and sexy and I could tell by the way you stayed behind me as I ran that you felt the connection too. Tell me what color shirt I was wearing and let’s meet up again for a few more miles.”

“I noticed your super cool 1987 Oldsmobile with the 24″ rims and custom flaking rust paint when you yelled out the window at me as I was running on the side of the road. My headphones blocked out most of what you said, but I thought it was very flattering you would make a gesture like that in front of your friends and would like to hear more. I’ll be running again tomorrow night. I’ll look for those chrome rims and listen for your call.”

Ummmm……yea….this is why I carry pepper spray.

Tap It….and Run

Day Random:

Scheduled: Lift   (I still do that?? Umm…sort of…maybe…I mean, YES…that’s another post)

Actual: World of Beer Tap It and Run 5k

Chip time: 23:57, 2nd place in Women 25-29 division

Preparedness Level: Low to Medium

Breakfasts: 2

Redbulls chugged: 1

Redbulls I regretted chugging: 1

Weather: Oh my glob!! Sweet glorious majesty it is lumping gorgeous!!

Temp: 39F, “feels like” 27F and sunny

Attire: Shorts and tank top. It’s totally fine, it’s awesome out. NO I’M NOT CRAZY. IT’S NOT EVEN COLD YOU PUSSIES! NO, I AM NOT SHIVERING!

Today I ran a 5k race. My first real, well organized 5k. The last one in October didn’t even count. I could have organized a better race in a mental hospital while on nyquil. This race was put on by the Running Zone, a local store that I frequent for all my running goodies because they are awesome and dog friendly and super cool and I love them. GO THERE. They sponsor a shit ton of local races throughout the year and I will be partaking in more of them. I’d like to do at least 1 5k or 10k a month this year I think…just to keep me pushing the speed a bit and break up the distance runs. I’m entertaining the idea of a full marathon towards Thanksgiving, too….but that’s a ways out.

I tend to be a cheapass and not actually enter races ever because the $20-$25 entry fee for someone to tell me I have to run at 7:30 AM on a Saturday was…well…fuck that. But now that I’m a morning person and fiscally irresponsible and all, that’s no problemo. Sign me up!! And I didn’t have to run until 9 this morning! I mean, that’s sleeping in for fuck’s sakes! I think they made the start time late because they gave us beer at the finish and drinking before 9:15 is definitely alcoholic territory. I mean, really. Let’s have SOME standards here, people.

I got dressed and stretched in a REALLY half-assed sort of way this morning, chugged a redbull, put yoga pants and a sweater on over my running gear and got in the car. I ate my granola bar and banana breakfast on the way there and drank some water. This is a much better preparation already than the last time I ran a 5k. I even had a SALAD for dinner last night and went to bed early! Remember last post when I said 5k doesn’t really even count as a workout? Yea. I tend to not give it a lot of thought (or any thought for that matter), except that I was on a team for this race, the weather was SUPER nice, I wanted to see if I could set a new PR and all that jazz, so I actually ate, hydrated and (holy shit) warmed up when I got there by jogging around the parking lot, doing a few strides and some high steps and such.

This is what I look like when it's cold out. No, that's not me, but you get the idea.

In a half marathon it’s not such a huge deal if there’s a crowd at the starting line because you’re gonna be running for a long time and those few extra seconds/minutes to find a hole and clear the slowpokes you can pretty easily make up on course. When there’s only 3 miles and the race will be over in 25 mins or less, that 30 seconds to a minute it takes for you to get around the shuffling wide old guy and moms pushing strollers can mean the difference between setting your PR and not. Like today. That extra 30 seconds (and the redbull) killed me. I really should have thought ahead and gotten myself a sweet spot near the front, but alas, I didn’t think of it until the race had already started. Once I found a hole….and by that I mean once I got fed up and totally long-jumped over a planter and scared an old dude in fluorescent yellow spandex…*shudder* some things you can’t UNsee… Anyway, once I got around that I took off and started passing people with my crazy-legs. I used my half marathon strategy and latched onto a couple guys wearing crossfit shirts running about a 7 min mile pace and let them split the crowd while I drafted off them. It’s pretty effective.

At about 2 miles the redbull started to dissolve the lining in my stomach and cause me some discomfort. This regrettably slowed me down. Which made me upset. I lost my crossfit buddies since they were still rocking 7 minute miles and I slowed to around 7:45/mile. At around the 3 mile mark my body decided that since I was not paying attention to my stomach being corroded, it would throw a sidestitch at me to force me to stop running. HELLLL NAAAWWW! I only have a tenth of a mile left mothafucka. I sped that shit up and made for the finish. Feeling like vomit was a looming possibility as I crossed the finish line, the smell of bacon from the post-race breakfast smacked me in the face. NOT exactly what I wanted to smell just then. UGHHHHHHHH. I’m gonna need a minute.

Now, admittedly even though the weather was superglorious, my body was not totally on board for this speed run for whatever reason. I do admit that there is a small possibility I should have worn leggings or a jacket or something and that the temp may have been slowing my muscle twitch function even though it felt super nice….but I’m gonna ignore that and just say it was a mediocre run day. Still came in 2nd in the division, but I think I coulda done better. Next time, Gadget. Next time.

I Took the Crazy Pills and I Like ‘Em

Friday the 13th:

Scheduled: 3 mile easy

Actual: 5.03 miles, 41:08, avg 8:11/m

Wake up time: 5:41 am

My Alarm: Totally badass way to wake up

Sunrise: Too slow to catch me

Music: Daft Punk, Celldweller

I realized this morning that I have, in this process of rebuilding myself, truly become 2 things I never ever thought I would be. My old self even went so far as to loudly proclaim anyone who was either of these things (let alone both) as being irretrievably insane while shaking my head in bewilderment and pity. I m ay have been right about the crazy part….but here I stand.

The first is a distance runner. I truly LOVE running now and really…yes….even love long runs. As painful as the slogging was at the beginning and as much as looking at those milage goal numbers makes you tired sometimes, the feeling of finishing a good solid long run is unbeatable. Even on the days I have a “bad run” or don’t meet my goal, etc, just being outside running is enjoyable for itself now, almost meditative in an energetic, muscle-burning sort of way, and I look forward to it. That is MY TIME. Just me and my Garmin and my music. Don’t bother me, don’t call me, I’m unavailable. I felt like a running snob earlier in the week because I got through a 5k run and scoffed because I ONLY ran 3 miles. PSHT. That barely even counts for crap’s sakes! Uh, no. That counts. I’m just a crazy distance runner now.

I had a pretty bad day yesterday. Was in a funk I couldn’t shake and kept getting tripped up and spun around. I realized last night that it was because I hadn’t been able to run at all that week and went 2 days without working out AT ALL and that made me crabby and off. The workload for school is pretty intense, so I was up early in the morning every day watching class lectures while glancing longingly out the front window as the sun came up just wishing I was out pounding the pavement instead of warming my computer chair. You’d think there was free ponies out there or something. I was even calculating how many miles I could have run by now if I had gone out. I am definitely a runner.

The second thing is a morning person. My alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. I hit the snooze…but that’s only because the snooze is huge and the off is tiny. I sat up, took a few minutes to wake up and turn on a light and send a few texts, but I was out of bed stretching by 5:45 and was EXCITED about my run. Self vehemently proclaims that I should not be excited about ANYTHING that early in the morning, let alone athletically demanding activities, and yet, there I was. I don’t listen to her much any more. I was stretching my hips, singing and tapping my hands on the floor to the song stuck in my head and being exactly that chippery nutbag I would have strangled 6 months ago. You can actually go back through my posts and see the documented evidence of me saying morning is terrible and morning people are freaks.

Well…..freaks, I need a membership badge now. I’ll bring the bagels to the meeting. I will go to bed early or skimp on sleep so I can get up pre-dawn and have my me-time walk or run. It’s quiet in a way that even late night is not and it is the time of day that is just for me. Almost no one is awake yet to bug me and nothing bad has happened in the day yet. There is something about the fact that I fucking got up and ran 5 miles before the sun came up that makes me feel bad ass and awesome, no matter if the rest of the day is a total bust. On the days I don’t run, I just take my tea and go for a long walk and think. It’s incredibly peaceful and therapeutic. Usually I get home just as the sun is peeking over the trees and just sit in the driveway and drink my tea and watch it.

I like this new me. She’s still cynical, jaded and sarcastic, but she’s WAY more positive and centered and she’s out to get shit done. No whining, more laughing. Unmitigated awesome all around.

Cold Weather is Pretty Great. And so am I.

Planned: Make up 5 miler for Monday

Actual: 5.01 miles, 40:29, average 8:05/mile

Temp: 41F

Humidity: 52%

Sky: Clear and starry

Ears and nose: Tingly from cold and awesome

Breath: Visible

Makeshift warm running attire: SUCCESSFUL

Badassery Level: DING!

I usually hate blinky animations, but I felt this one adequately illustrated my point, so I went with it. This is not a habit. I promise.

So, last night after a superdelicious sushi dinner with mom and dad, I did my lunges, pushups, ball jack-knifes and crunches and all my running stretches and warmups and went out the door into the superdelicious chill. I am SO happy right now. I am in my element. Know why? A cold front came through earlier this week and knocked the temperatures way the fuck down (by FL standards, that is). We have frost warnings, bitches. Highs in the 40s and lows in the 20s. It’s go time. Bring out the beanies, blankets and hot chocolate and celebrate! I fucking love the cold. L.O.V.E. I thrive in it. I feel a million times better, like my body wakes up. My skin is happier, my sinuses are happier and my brain is happier. When you go outside, you involuntarily go “whoooooo!!” while you do that all over exaggerated shivershake and hug your hoodie tighter, your nose and ears tingle, all the hairs are standing up on your arms, the air is still and clear, you can’t help but bounce around while you’re standing still and you can smell fireplaces and dryer sheets. OH, heaven. I would rather be shivering than sweat any day of the year. Period. Yup. Once again, I DO live in the absolute wrong place.

This is the first time I’ve ever run when the temperature was cold enough for me to clearly see my breath. Wait….no. That’s a lie. But the last time I did it I was just starting the couch to 5k program and was only running (a.k.a. slowly ramble-jogging) for 30 seconds at a stretch so it barely counts. This is the first time I’ve been running for any kind of significant distance, time or pace in what would be considered a chilly-type temperature. At least low enough that I had to make SOME adjustments to my usual attire. Not much, but a little. I don’t really own anything warm and athletic, so I pulled on a pair of leggings I use under dresses and such and a long sleeved underarmor shirt I had in the back of the closet under my shorts and tee shirt (which I wore for visibility’s sake).

Since I hadn’t really run in this kind of weather before Self started in about muscle cramping or it being too cold to breathe, or wearing too much, sweating and subsequently getting chilled and how I should maybe wait till daylight hours since I wasn’t sure and curl up on the couch with Netflix tonight instead. I punched her in her dirty mouth, put in my earbuds and went out. And it was fucking spectacular. Like verging on life changingly amazing. I never want to run in anything warmer ever again. I’m going to cry a lot when summer rolls around again now that I know the true glory of cool weather running. I’m not gonna call it cold either, because I know a lot of runners in other parts of the country having to truly bundle up who are out running in temps seriously close to or below 0. That counts as cold. 40 is glorious. Just enough to give my ears and nose a bite but not so much it hurts to breathe.

All that's missing is Derrick.

My easy slow warmup miles were at the previously “I’m awesome” pace I’d been running for the last few weeks, right around 8:30 and 8:20. Then my muscles were truly warmed up and I was feeling light, energized, happy and like I could race the Flash, so I kicked up the pace a bit and started doing sprint sets to my music during the choruses. And singing along. And laughing. And moving my head and arms to the beat. And skip-hopping curbs and kick-jumping around cars parked across the sidewalk. I even vaulted a knocked over trash can. All while still feeling super comfortable and within my effort threshold. ‘Cause my badassery, it knows no bounds. I ran all of the last 3 miles damn consistently at 7:49, 7:48 and 7:50. Which, B-T-Dubs set a new 3 mile PR for me. By a 30 second margin. That’s 10 seconds a mile for those of you too lazy to do the math. BAM. I even started getting that stupid muscle cramp at the top of my right quad somewhere around mile 4 and didn’t even give a single fuck. I just ignored it and went faster.

It felt amazing. The breeze had a tiny bite to it and the air was clear and light. I was having to shake and move my hands and jaw to keep the circulation going and I LOVED it. Such a difference from the miserably fiery, muggy, suffocating, energy sapping summer. This is how it’s supposed to feel. This is why I do this. It’s just me and my legs and the pavement and the pure joy of feeling strong, fast and awesome under nothing but my own power. To finish smiling and feeling like I could go forever and then realizing that I just ran 5 miles. That distance used to be so daunting and take so much hyping up and recovery. It’s just an easy “whatever” run for me now. I finish, stretch, shower and go on with my life. No big deal.

Damn I’m awesome.

I’m BAAAAAAAAAACK!!

New Race: Gasparilla half  marathon, March 4th, 2012

Goal time: 2:00:00

Bonus: Pirate themed race!!

Day…..I dunno. Today:

Planned workout: 7 mile long run
Actual: 7.02 miles, 1:01:09, average 8:43/mile

Random pairs of titey-whiteys on the sidewalk: 1 (keep it classy, Rockledge)

Legs: Not amused

Morning run weirdness factor: HIGH

Hydration: insufficient

Times I imagined myself running and jump-kicking through a dark and monster infested dungeon: Too many. Let’s just skip that.

Teenagers who almost took out a mailbox in a Focus while staring at me: 1

Kinda. Sorta.

Hello world!! I am back! I have slogged through the swamp of mental instability and have come out the other side mean and chock full of badassery, wearing pelts and tooth/claw-necklaces from all the monster motherfuckers and R.O.U.S.es Self threw at me and I wafflestomped along the way. I have finished being pitiful and hollow, have grabbed the crowbar and shotgun, dispatched self in epic zombie-battle fashion and started being an unapologetic badass. Yes, I’m mixing references. Deal with it. Not saying I’m 100% there, but the montage is in progress and we’re nearing the finish. Watch out.

I (and possibly Brittany as well) have set our sights on the Gasparilla half marathon in the spring over in her neck of the woods. This means I’m a little behind on training since I….ahem….essentially did a whole lot of nothing but worry and be an insomniac for the month and a half following the race. Oops. Whatever. Not even worried. We have 10 weeks, I have done this once before already and (MOST EXCITING) it will NOT be a billion sweltering degrees outside while I train this time! Hello low(ish) humidity and bearable temperatures!! It still feels warm out, but the difference is already palpable and exciting. Then again, I may NOT be running that race and may be choosing a different one since I have bought tickets to go to a Dropkick Murphy’s concert that night. While there is certainly TIME to do both since they’re 12 hours apart, the question is whether I will be physically capable of standing up long enough to make it through the concert. I ran half the distance and went to a Skrillex concert right afterwards a couple weeks ago, but still, I’m thinking it may be better to seek out an alternate race. We’ll see. Either way, I’m aiming for a half in the spring and I’m back in training.

I counted backwards on the old training schedule from the race and jumped in in the middle.  That’s why I have no stinkin’ idea what day in training this would be. This also means I was supposed to do a 7 mile run 2 weeks ago on my first week back. Um, excusemewhat? No. So I ran a few times that week, managed a 5 miler for the long run that week and added 1 last week and again this week. It’s a bit aggressive, but if I keep that up, by the next mileage build on the schedule I should be caught up.

Part of my new routine and newfound badassery is that I have almost, in fact, become a morning person. I know. I KNOW. Pick your jaws up off the floor. I started getting up and taking a walk at sunrise every day to have some time for introspection that was only for me. Once that became less painful, I tried a short run. Then a 5 miler. Today I did my long run at sunrise. That’s right. I left my house while it was still hazy and dark and ran while the sun came up. You can see right there on Endomondo where it says 6:43 AM when I started my run. It hurt the first couple of times and getting ready to run in the morning is very different from running at night, but there really is something about being outside running while the sun rises that makes you feel indestructible. Especially when it’s a little chilly and your legs are on board and you’ve got great music to keep you company.

I have found that I have to treat morning runs like hangovers. I have 2 alarms set. 1 is set for 5AM. This is when I wake up and chug down the liter of water I set out by the bed then promptly pass the fuck out again. Then at 6, I actually get up, drink some more water, have some toast and OJ and a Gu and head out. This is the only way to not feel like my esophagus is trying to glue itself together while my legs fill with sand. I will have to start planning my routes past the convenience store more often so I can stop for agua.

I did the big Rockledge loop this morning to make sure I’d do all 7 miles. My legs were kind of unhappy with me and I was feeling a little sluggish. I went a little harder than I should have at spinning last night. There were only 2 of us in the class so I couldn’t just sandbag it in the back. Ah well. Took me until about mile 5 to really settle in and get comfortable and start moving. Which is when I thought I’d be running out of gas. Whatevs. Chock it up to the cooler weather.

Speaking of which, my mile splits have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY faster since the weather cooled with absolutely no training on my part. This is where I say “I TOLD YOU it was the heat and humidity making me run like an old lady!”. As soon as the humidity drops to around 60% and the temp is below 70, I’m rockin’ 8-8:30 miles like nobody’s business. My Garmin keeps telling me to slow down and I say “No. I will not” and I laugh and speed up. For about 10 seconds. Then I slow back down, cause I mean…I’m running distance, not speed. Sheesh.

I will try to post occasionally as I train for this next race. It’s funny, with moving and school and all going on, this time around training for a half marathon is just the background. It’s just  the “Oh, yea. I’m doing that too, I guess”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m serious about it and I’m gonna train hard and I do intend to set a time goal on this one, but somehow it’s not the huge looming monstrosity it was last time. I’ve got this. I’m a badass. No problem. Now keep up or get off my sidewalk.

Stop Being Sad and Be Awesome

Planned workout: Plan??? I think I’m going running…I think I’m gonna do 5 miles.

5k completed: 1

10k registered for: 1

Halloween costume: Huge Success! I mean…nobody knew what it was, but it looked awesome.

Mood: Uhhhhhhhhh……I’ll get back to you.

Florida Weather: Can’t make up its mind either.

OK. So here’s the deal. I haven’t updated in a while. I HAVE been working out. Not as much as I wanted, and REALLY cut back on the running, but it was happening. Mostly spinning, short runs and lots of pushups and crunches at home. I actually ran a 5k, which I will tell you about if you can keep your panties on for a hot second.

Yea. THAT motherfucker.

I have stayed away from the blog because I kind of hit the floor and turned into probably the worst version of myself I’ve ever been for the last week or 2. I was as close to a “normal girl” as I’ve ever been and it was disgusting. Like headcrab zombie disgusting. I was like the one covered in jumpy poisonous fuckers that throws them at people. Bonus points if you got that reference (add me on Steam or XBL later…). I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry’s even. It’s still in my freezer since I go in the opposite direction when stressed and lose interest in food….but let’s just leave it with I’m not proud of the last week, and we’re going to pretend it didn’t happen. OK? We shall never speak of this again on penalty of poisonous headcrab and/or crowbar. Whatever’s more available.

Self is still pretty solidly in control of my head at this point…but I have a toothpick the guard dropped and I’m trying to pick the lock on my handcuffs. Just wait, Self. Just wait. Your days of making me say/do degrading, pathetic things and feel shitty about myself are numbered. I’m getting really sick of this and want to feel good again. People send me postcards in my cell of what it’s like outside and it looks pretty badass. I’m gonna shank that bitch Self as soon as I get these cuffs off and bribe the guard and then we’ll see who’s in control.

So anyway, back on track, the place my dad works held a breast cancer benefit 5k last Saturday. Race started at 8:30 AM. You all know my penchant for waking up early, but since they needed entrants and it wasn’t TOOO early, I agreed to run it. Wake up morning of to grey and gross. It’s WET. And MUGGY. Hovering right around the 97-100% humidity marker. Greeaaaaat. Who’s excited to get up and go run in the rain, rather than stay in my nice comfy bed and listen to it? Not exactly me. But get up I did and we headed out.

This race was REALLY badly organized. Particularly in comparison to the Disney race….ouch. The field was really small. Probably 20-30 people total. I figured I’d just wail on it, go as fast as I could and then sit by the tent and have a nap until the walkers came in. Started out and stuck with 2 guys at the front. Then the 1st place guy actually started running and just straight disappeared. He was one of those guys with 0% body fat and little skinny legs for miles. NO chance you’re gonna catch him. The guy in 2nd place I paced until about a half mile in, at which point I managed to pass him and felt awesome for being in 2nd place for about 2 seconds, until a late starter flew up from behind and passed us all. Whatever. I’m still in 3rd. The earliness and the humidity (and let’s not forget the burger and beers I had the night before…I mean…it’s just a 5k…no need to prepare or nothin’…*cough*) started to catch up with me and my legs felt heavy, but I kept telling myself it was ONLY 3 miles. Come on, wussbag. Suck it up and get it moving.

Outta my way, bitches.

I ran the first mile in 7:31. Slowed down after that when the rain started coming down heavier and I had to breathe it/avoid puddles. Where’s my snorkel?? I kept glancing over my shoulder to see if I’d opened up any distance on the guy I passed. Not much. He was sticking with me, so I couldn’t slow down. Managed to finish out the race 3rd overall and fastest of the ladies with a time of 24:51. My goal was 25 mins or less, so BAM. Squeaked it out. Not a HUGE accomplishment since the field was so limited, but still. Not shabby. Squishy wet shoes and soaked clothes standing under the tent waiting for everyone else to finish. Got lots of compliments on my tat. Runners are cool people. 🙂 I didn’t even get an “attagirl” for coming in 3rd, except from the other runners. No prizes, no callout, nothing. A little disappointing. Oh well. I just want a hot shower and dry clothes. I did win a basket of flowers in a raffle, so I’m pretending I won them for coming in 3rd. ;p

Not too shabby! My mom is awesome for helping me with all this. And I know. I'm doing Halloween wrong. I should have been "Sexy Chell" and made that jumpsuit a miniskirt.

Later that day I finished up my awesomely nerdy Halloween costume and went out in downtown with some friends. My longfall boot springs lasted all of about 30 mins, but the rest held up really well. If anyone knows what I was…you’re probably as big a nerd as me and already my friend. A total of 2 people of the thousands in DT Orlando figured it out. The boots weren’t terrible to walk around in once I ditched the broken springs, but they had no padding. Let’s just say that waking up on the couch the next day still wearing half my costume and trying to move my legs was….sensitive. I didn’t stretch or anything after the race and was walking around and dancing in heeled boots all night. My legs were angry. Meh. Count it as a workout. Walk it off.

In an effort to “stop being sad and be awesome instead” which I think is my new morphed version of “nut up or shut up”, I booked a ski trip to Colorado 2 weeks from now which should be epic good times playing in the snow, and also signed myself up to run a 10k on Thanksgiving morning. I KNOW. I’m gonna eat tons of pie Wednesday night, pass out, wake up early and try to run 6 miles before going and stuffing myself again. How could this possibly end badly?? I think I have convinced a couple people to come with me and run the 5k and I think the courses start the same. We’ll see how fast I can do this. I’m not setting a goal because…well…..pie. LOTS of glorious pie. A girl needs priorities.

So what am I getting at with all this? I’m not going to be a ball of sunshine suddenly, but I am not gonna be this pitiful any more. I want to start being awesome again and make it through a day smiling instead of crying. Fuck him. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m done letting him make me feel pathetic and useless. It sucks. I can have a new life. I just have to drag my ass out of bed and get it. I need races and fun things to do and I have lots of vacation time. Anyone that wants to join me, let’s do this.

Make Yourself

Planned Workout: 5-6 miles, easy pace

Actual Workout: 8.01 miles, 1:09:09, average 8:39/mile, fastest mile: mile 5, 8:12 

Music: Animal I Have Become, Play for Real, Kill Your Heroes, Shut Me Up (this makes me BOOK), Monster, Burn It Down

A cold front came through Wednesday night and plunged the temperatures down a solid 20 degrees. I slept with the windows open (had a minor freak out and decided to sleep with my pepper spray and the sword since I’m alone in the house now) and yesterday was GORGEOUS outside. I don’t think we hit 70 all day. Sunny, breezy, beautiful. Definitely a day to plan a run outside. Since I haven’t run any kind of distance since the race, I figured I’d aim for 5-6 miles and just go at whatever was comfortable. Well….I ran 8 and only stopped because I was almost back home at that point and figured I should call it. My theory was this. The weather is AWESOME and I had physical anxiety and anger in spades to burn. SO I would just go out, enjoy the weather and run until my legs didn’t feel good and my brain did. Well…that took a while. And then I was just enjoying being outside running and NOT feeling like I was dying, so I just kept going. And not just going, I did sprint sets through the entirety of the run. I kept not feeling tired and expecting to tank at any moment. Just didn’t happen.

This run was the primo example of how much the heat affects me. I struggled to run 9:30/miles when the temp was around 80, but when the humidity plummets to 50-60% and the temp is at a comfy 64 with a good strong breeze…I can go forever and hold a damn respectable pace.

I looked at the calendar and I didn’t think I’d be able to do the Thanksgiving half realistically until I finished the run last night. On the schedule was a 9 mile run…I did 8. I’m still not sure if I actually will run it, but I can enter pretty much up until the day of the race, so I’ll just wait and see. But even if I don’t, that’s fine. That means I can just go to tons of classes at the gym and enjoy getting strong. Also means I can actually make it all the way through the New Rules program, so I’ll document that here. 🙂

I’ve been going to yoga more lately and remembering why I used to love it so much. It’s a good workout and I’m usually tired when I finish, but in ways that lifting and running neglect. It’s the balance, flexibility and control that you gain there and it lets me put all my focus on going a little deeper into a pose than last time, holding it a little longer, breathing a little deeper and NOT thinking about what was making my heart skip beats and my stomach lurch. I’ve never been so upset about something it made me actually vomit before Wednesday. To have your brain so violently react to and reject an idea that it tries to physically purge it from your body is something of an experience. I fought anxiety and nausea all day after that, but managed to make it to yoga and felt at least a little more level afterwards. Overall…not a good day.

I feel like instead of counting down days to a race or days of training, I’ve been unconsciously counting the days since the marriage ended. Days in recovery, if you will, although that number is fuzzy since I keep being re-injured and the true recovery starting line is not clear. It could still be yet to come in the next week or 2 when the divorce is final. All I know is I will try to stay distracted enough to not realize HOW high that recovery day counter will get.

In this vein, I have been trying to figure out for the last week, in the midst of the violent shitstorm of emotions, what it is that I actually want. I keep being stalled. I have no idea and it’s terrifying. Why is it so hard to figure out a direction, vocalize and act on what I want to do with myself now? It should be so easy! I started thinking about THAT and came to a realization.

It is so very easy to dream big and clear, make “someday” plans and say what it is you want when you have limitations and obligations holding you back from achieving them and settle into a comfortable state of complacent “maybe someday when” while allowing all those excuses to keep you from even trying. No money, can’t move the family, the house needs fixing/won’t sell, we can’t take the pets, I have to work, too much to take care of, etc etc, on and on. When the only limitation is my own ambition, enthusiasm and resourcefulness, it becomes terrifying to try to clearly define and verbalize what I really want and what to do. It’s because if it isn’t right, doesn’t work or doesn’t happen at all, there’s nothing and no one to blame for it but myself and my own work ethic and ability or lack thereof. There is a suffocating fear of failure and of having to take ownership of that failure and explain it (not just to others, but to myself) if I’m not successful that took over and paralyzed me.

There’s fear that I’ll find out what I choose was NOT actually what I wanted, of being wrong, not even knowing myself to a basic level and having to come crawling back and try again. Why am I scared of that? Who’s to say something is or isn’t right for ME or that I’m not allowed to not like something? That’s why you try things, right? Are we all so worried what others think we talk ourselves out of trying to make ourselves happy? I think a lot of people get stuck in this phase; some never get out, and I can see why. It’s much easier and more “comfortable” to sit back, not take the chance and complain about how you can’t and how things suck, than it is to problem solve, work and go get what you really want.

I’m not saying there aren’t other challenges. There is still debt and obligations that will have to be dealt with and Self has put on her battle armor and lit the trebuchets, but perhaps the first step to making a clear real decision is to busily liberate myself from all of those things and anything else that could anchor me or prevent me from progressing. Now that I’m not responsible to anyone else for my time, money or well-being, and won’t have the house and all the “stuff” that weighs you down I have an opportunity to “Simplify, Clarify, Economize” and go in a totally new direction. Question is WHAT direction.

In a blind dart throw sort of move, I applied to UCF to finish my bachelors degree starting in January. I know I do want/need to finish it, and I suppose now is as good a time as any, I’m just fighting the urge to knee-jerk, be irresponsible and impulsive, pull up stakes and move someplace new all on my own and figure it out when I get there since being here is so mentally toxic for me right now. I think this circles back to my fear that school will be too difficult and I will fail at it again. Struggling with a tight budget and daily living challenges I am used to and is “comfortable”, struggling to improve is difficult, painful, and has an unknown outcome.

But no, I will be reasonable. I will pay off the debt, finish school and save up a strong financial foundation so that when I do move, I can do it on MY terms and go wherever I want. No settling this time. I AM planning to be a bit manic about school and take as many classes as are humanly possible so I’ll be so busy with that there will be no possible way to think about who’s doing what or whom and why. No thinking about why he thinks I’m not as good as her or how he could do all this any more. I want to get school done FAST so I can be out of here sooner and don’t have time to establish a new comfortable routine of complacency. I’m done being stagnant, apathetic, silent and obsequious. No more just “making do” and taking care of everyone else at the expense of my own happiness and success. Maybe somewhere along the way I can start being a TRUE badass, confident, name-taking bitch so that I don’t make the same mistake of letting someone else’s needs and wants dictate my actions and lifestyle again. Particularly if they are not showing me the same consideration.

I’m shaky and unsure, but I am having moments of clarity now where my rational brain duct tapes Self’s mouth shut, throws her in the trunk of an unmarked black sedan and lets me see that this split WILL actually work out to be a good thing for me eventually and I’ll be stronger for it. I just have to burn the car and dump it in the river before Self escapes and wreaks havok on me again. She’s such a sneaky, evil bitch.

‘What D’ya Hear, Starbuck?’ ‘Nothin’ But the Rain, Sir.’

Scheduled: Nonexistant

Actual: 3.52 miles, 30:26, Average: 8:39/mile

Normally I would start with stats and figures leading up to the race. But the race is over. And I am still here. I’m still standing. Barely, but I’m still here. The last few weeks have been intensely confusing and painful, but I am still here and I’m looking to refocus on what’s ahead.

Took a week totally off and went to Portland to visit some friends. Ran up and down mountains and hills and did WAY better than I thought I could. apparently the training has been pretty effective. The temperature was also a really nice break. Running in 50 degree weather is infinitely easier than running in 80 degree weather. Looking forward to moving somewhere that has nicer weather in the next few years. I enjoyed Portland, but I don’t think it’s going to be my next home. I realized that what I really want, what I’m really nostalgic for is the Northeast. Real autumn with tons of red and yellow leaves, apple picking and pumpkins, lots of snow in the winter, flowers in the spring and thick grass and lightning bugs in the summer.

I am still entertaining the idea of another half at Thanksgiving in the back of my mind, but that would mean I need to start shifting my runs to early in the morning right quick so I have a possibility of waking up for the 6:15am start time. I think we are truly aiming for another half the first weekend in March of 2012. At that race I’m aiming to break the 2:00:00 mark for time. Right now I think I’m looking to get back into weight lifting and doing a variety of things for workouts. I want to get STRONG again and work on getting faster. I will of course still include running, but I also want to swim and spin and do yoga and lift, perhaps martial arts. We will see.

I am looking into joining a local running club to get me out of the house, run some new routes, prevent me from moping and wallowing and meet some other runners. Maybe find a running buddy locally so I don’t have to be so paranoid about going out and where my pepper spray is. It’s funny how I would go out running by myself without pepper spray, GPS, phone or a second thought when there was someone waiting for me at home, but now that I’m ALONE in the house and on my own, I worry about everything and it’s suddenly pretty scary. If I go out late, there’s nobody to watch me on Glympse or to know if I don’t come home and come looking for me. This is a lot of why I want to get back into martial arts. Learn how to protect myself.

That may be partly why my “easy, goal free” run last night was as quick as it was. I wasn’t pushing myself really, just had a lot of emotions to burn off after the finality of the day sunk in and I was standing alone in the house fighting a panic attack. Went out the door and got my legs moving so I wouldn’t think about it.

I had intended to go farther, but the fact that I hadn’t slept really at all the night before and hadn’t eaten enough made my legs tire out quick. Also had my hip/inner thigh/inner knee start hurting again when I was closing in on 3 miles. Think I need to get the foam roller on it. It didn’t bother me at all in Portland and I did a bit over 3 miles on hills up there, but the pace was also much easier there and I was better rested. I may wind up going to see a doctor about it since rest didn’t seem to fix the problem.

Got home and showered and then just standing in the empty house by myself the anxiety started to creep back in and I started to freak out a little. And then more. And then more. Had to pop one of the pills the dr gave me last time I was there and try to talk myself down while it kicked in. I’m not good at it, apparently. I really hope I learn to get a handle on the panic attacks by myself soon. They are intense and not fun.

I will keep writing this blog and I promise the next one will be a concerted effort to get back to the lighthearted training log I intended when I started this and focus on what’s ahead, rather than on my insecurities and life drama. There will be more running and adventures to come and I hope this will keep me on track and keep me focused on my fitness goals so I don’t let all the work I’ve done go by the wayside.

Oh Hey, Victory. Pretty Sweet Setup You Got. Think I’ll Stay.

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WEDIDITWEDIDITWEDIDITWEDIDIT WE FUCKING DID IT!!!!!!

The spoils!!! Finisher's medal!!

We went, we carbo loaded, we stretched, we ran, we fucking CONQUERED.

Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon, October 1, 2011 Official results:

Straight off the Run Disney website!

Because I know it’s small and hard to read, and also because I’m super proud of myself right now and want you to read and appreciate this, here’s what it says:

Chip Time: 2:15:57

Overall Placing: 2390 of 8254 finishers (Disney said there were 10,000+ entrants)

Sex Placing: 1065 of 5213 women

Division (Women 25-29) Placing: 262 of 1105

My first time out, with a bum knee, I managed to average 10 minute miles and beat my tentative goal time by 14 minutes. WHAT’S UP?! BRING IT, LIFE!! This weekend has been the most amazing mix of nerves, doubts, excitement, worries, aches, pains, adrenaline and incredible highs.

After spending yesterday icing and soaking and napping and recovering, I am just going to spill out my impressions of the weekend and this first of what I am sure will be many races. I am trying to organize my thoughts, but no guarantees since a lot of it blurred together and I’m not sorry. I earned the longwinded-ness.

I got a REALLY good massage on Friday morning from my neighbor John who owns a massage therapy place in trade for some design work. He spent a solid hour on my legs doing stretches and myofascial release and working out all the kinks. I think I gave him a workout trying to un-knot me and am reasonably sure he is the reason my right leg was able to make it through the race as comfortably as it did, so HUGE thank you to him. 🙂

My on course survival kit, sans Sport Sheild and phone.

I also went and spent a solid 20 minutes comparing knee braces at CVS. I was that person that takes them all out of the package and stands there contemplating the merits and shortcomings of each and talking to myself. I decided on a dual layer system of a light support sleeve with a moderate support adjustable brace over it. That fucker was gonna be SUPPORTED. Saturday morning I woke up earlier than I planned and couldn’t sleep any more so I made a protein shake and 2 pieces of peanut butter toast and watched a movie with my feet up to distract me from the butterflies. Went over my checklist, making sure I had all my gear and necessaries, squashed that last little bit of Self that wanted to listen to my achy knee and stay at home rather than risk mid-course failure and headed out the door.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS REAL. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I spent most of the ride over texting with Brittany about our pre/during snack choices, hydration issues, dinner plans and nerves, texting my friend John (not the neighbor) who would be using the spectator pass I bought about logistics and meeting up at dinner, and painting my nails green to match my running shorts. Hey, I wasn’t in costume. Gimme a break. As we pulled in to the ESPN Sports complex, I saw them setting up the start line and had a mini freak out. I’m not a real athlete!! My knee hurts, I haven’t really run in 2 weeks, I’m gonna crash and burn in front of thousands of people, I shouldn’t be here. SHUT UP, SELF!!

Packet pick up, hotel check in, party pass reassignment and seafood alfredo dinner all went relatively smoothly and we were on to pre-race prep. Saw Brittany for just a few minutes when we picked up our goody bags at the expo and then separated again until race time.

Acting like confident athlete types on the bus to the starting area. That woman in pink is a bad ass, BTW.

At 7:30 it was real no shit get dressed and on the bus go time. John so very helpfully hunted down the ice machine and packed my camelback full of ice for me while I changed, put all my Gu’s in their respective pockets, packed up, laced up, braided and pinned the hair, pinned on my bib and took a deep breath to quiet down the nerves. They dropped me off by the bus loop and I met Brittany in line. We both kept fluctuating between excitement and panic as we rode on the bus over to the start corrals and saw various people and race areas. Nikko called me on the phone to give me a last minute peptalk and encouragement as my long distance support team and my mom called to say they would be able to be at the finish line to see me, which we didn’t think would be possible. This was getting scary real.

Doesn't do it justice at all.

The start area was a massive field and there were people EVERYWHERE. 10,000 people all ready to run a race (some in costume, LOTS in tutus), chatting, stretching, warming up, dancing to the music being played, laying on the grass and taking pictures. Insanity. We all had to be there an hour ahead of race time so they could close the roads we were running on, so we had time to sit there and stretch really well and get good and nervous. They had Mickey and Minnie up on stage and were leading dances and checking in with the relay switch off point. It felt like a festival. 9:30 finally rolled around and it was time to get into line in our corrals to start. I thought I’d be in the last corral, but it turned out I was in the middle. Right smack in the middle of 10,000 runners. WOW. Since Brittany and I were in different corrals, we hugged, wished each other luck and parted ways. I was on my own. It was scary.

I totally stole this from Brittany because I was too busy setting up Glympse to take a pic. This is what it was like starting the race! SO MANY PEOPLE!!

As we were waiting to go, stretching our calves on the curb, they started playing Zombie Nation and counting down each corral. Fireworks went off at the starting line as each group started the race 5 minutes apart. It was chaotic and remarkably smooth at the same time. Then my corral was up next. Everyone around me started moving and buzzing. My heart was hammering. It all hit home like a wave. I’m here. I’M HERE. RIGHT NOW. All the training, all the long weeks of mileage, doubts and soreness, foam rolling and protein shakes, heat strokes, breakthroughs, life and emotional breakdowns, all the minor victories and major struggles have culminated in this moment. And I am here. I made it. I. MADE. IT. I am standing at the starting line to this race and nothing is going to stop me from crossing the finish line.

The crowd was so thick I wound up walking the first tenth of a mile or so since I couldn’t go any faster than that. Had a moment of internal fighting where I was simultaneously pissed and thankful for the mob. It kept me slow and reasonable out of the gate while the music and adrenaline would undoubtedly have made me go way too fast. Once we made the turn out onto the main road it got quiet and all I heard was feet on pavement, people chatting and coaches asking how knees or ankles were and advising on hitting in the toe box. I hopped up on the grass median and started passing people on the outside looking for a more open spot while I waved to all the cops working the event. I started latching on to various runners ahead of me going about my pace and letting them split holes in the crowd. I would just basically draft behind them, slipping through the holes before they closed again, dodging fairy wings and antennae on costumes. I followed a pair of middle aged guys running about a 9:30 pace for about a mile or so this way until I hit an open-ish area and passed them on a hill.

A little after mile 2 The race leaders started passing us on the far side of the divided highway. WTF?!?! We were at mile 2.3 or so and these guys were already closing in on 8!! I had a moment of feeling extremely mediocre and then looked at the literally thousands of other runners right next to me and behind me, all of whom were cheering for these super fast guys and each other and just enjoying this and it went away. I reminded myself I was DOING THIS. I was running a half marathon. Relax. Enjoy this end goal of all my hard work.

They had the floats and dancers from the light parade in Magic Kingdom out on the course. The guys on stilts in light up suits were in pairs in the middle of the course and along the sidelines at intervals along the roads encouraging us and giving out high fives as we ran past. One of them raced me for a few seconds since I was in an open spot at the time and then high fived me before I went on. They had stages set up with live bands playing at different points. All of them were playing THIS SONG when I passed and it was playing on speakers too….this seemed to be the theme of the race. It will be stuck in my head for a month now. A couple other runners and I were joking about it.

It wasn’t until a little after mile 3 that we hit Animal Kingdom. It was kind of neat running up to and through the front gates and on into the park. Felt like a mob scene. I had been consciously keeping my stride really short with higher turnover to protect my knee and hips, but it was starting to get uncomfortable. When I got into the park I accelerated a little bit to pass some people and fit through some holes and was running more of an 8:00-8:30 mile. It actually felt better to stretch my legs out and go faster for a little bit so I maintained that through most of the park. This was sort of tricky since the paths were a bit narrow around the park and I had to keep my eyes peeled for holes. I stuck to the outside mostly, but I felt kind of dumb since I totally missed that I was running around the tree of life because I was concentrating on dodging people, watching the uneven ground and all the twists and turns the track was taking. I was aware of the race photographers snapping photos as I was passing twice and thinking “at least I’m running right now…”. It was really nice, there were trees overhanging the paths and they had special lights and things out all along the track, so there were things to look at even without noticing the HUGE tree…..yea…

The whole race, all along the track there were Disney employees cheering, clapping and encouraging us. I know they were paid to be there and do that, but it still was really nice. Especially since I was on my own with no music for the whole race. As much as I usually scoff at that kind of insincere crap, most of them really honestly did look like they were cheering for us and excited for us. They were telling us we looked great, we were so close to __miles, keep going, we were awesome, etc. A couple times they yelled out “Whose first half?!” And we’d put up our hands and cheer and they’d give an extra loud “YAY!! GO GO GO!!!” It was cool.

I didn’t take my first walk break until just before mile 6 out in the parking lot/highway where it was dark and quiet and my hip started hurting. I walked about a half mile, I think, and then stopped on an overpass to stretch out my hip and quads before starting back up. I ran out of water in the camelback about this time too. I remember miles 6-8 being pretty rough. There were a lot of hills going up and down on-ramps on the way between Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios and no music, employees or entertainment and my hip was really starting to kink and give me grief. Part of this we were running along the highway and lots of cars were honking at us. I caught my impulse to flick them off since it wasn’t Rockledge and it was likely a supportive honk from a family rather than an asshole trying to impress his friends.

I remember seeing one of the light floats sitting on the side of the course at one point and being confused for a second because all I could see was 2 orange stripes on a bunch of blue and thought it was an 11. It didn’t look like a mile marker and the next one should have been 8…weird…Oh. It’s a peacock. That’s its legs. Never mind. Around the corner and up another hill. I heard the GPS on my phone crap out from low battery a little after mile 8, so I took a short walk break and switched it out so Glympse would keep running and my long distance people could keep watching me slog along. Glympse held the track and place and everything!! I didn’t have to reset it!! SWEEET!!

Running through MGM (Sorry, Hollywood Studios) was neat. We went right past Tower of Terror and down the main strip with it all lit up. I was in a clear spot then so got to coast and enjoy it and nobody was telling me not to run, or to be careful because I’d trip or run someone over. They were all encouraging me to run faster! I stopped for my second stretch break on the side of the road shortly after that in one of the back areas of the park. When I stretched it made my leg feel great for about half a mile and then it started cramping again right at the top of my quad and on the outside of my hips. URG. I started really getting tired around 10 miles, but reminded myself I had just broken another personal record. No matter what, this was now the farthest I have ever run and I’m only 5k from the finish. I can do this. Right after the 11 mile marker I stepped off to the side for my last stretch break to make the rather loudly yelling hip kink shut up and get me to the finish. I basically did some yoga on the side of the race course. Deep lunges, crescent pose and pigeon pose since my hands were too sweat slippery to hold on to the post for standing stretches and my leg was shaking a lot.

Leaving MGM heading out around the parking lot beside the lake towards the boardwalk, Epcot and the finish, a good 60 degree breeze kicked up off the water and felt like air conditioning. It was absolutely awesome. I swear I heard angels singing. Gave me a little boost as I ran along the water.

At mile 12, I sent a text to John and Dad letting them know I was closing in on the finish (just said “12!!!!” I was running, after all. Don’t text and run, kids). It is absolutely amazing how close and how far that finish line felt at that moment. Between there and 12.5 miles I hit the wall. My legs turned into lead, I felt like I was running in water, my hips were screaming, I was thirsty and tired and had a moment of panic as I wondered if I could make it.

About that point, I rounded a corner and there was a whole street lined with supporters and employees holding signs and cheering, one of which said “ONLY 400 YARDS LEFT! YOU DID IT!” I almost cried and I pulled out whatever couple drips of steam I had left stuck to the walls of the tank and pushed. I don’t know how, but I pushed and sped up. I could hear the finish line music and announcer. It was close. I was almost there. I WAS GOING TO FINISH!

Came through the last S turn and just when I was starting to contemplate walking, I blasted into the bright lights and crowd and ran across the finish line. I stumbled back to a walk and kept moving through the areas funneling us out of the way to the post race area half wondering if I had really just actually crossed the line (It was huge and lit, there’s no way you could miss it). A girl on the side lines about a hundred yards down put the finisher medal around my neck and I started choke/cry/wheeze/laughing as I remembered to stop my Garmin timer. I tried to stop moving for a second and realized I would fall if I did.

I pulled out my phone to text Nikko and John and thanks to Glympse, I already had a text from Nikko saying “YOU DID IT!!!! YOU FUCKING DID IT!!! I’MSOFUCKINGPROUDOFYOOOUUUU!!!!! 😀 😀 😀 :D” I started laughing and gasp sobbing. I walked through the rest of the lane, got stopped for an official photo where I think I smiled…I was in a haze. I got my snack and checked bag with my clothes and a compliment on my tattoo from the attendant and started texting John to see where they were as I scarfed a banana and tried to calm down my breathing. I was still in shock and disbelief. Did I just do that?! I JUST DID THAT.

I'M A FUCKIN' HALF MARATHON FINISHER!!!! Sitting on the ground recovering.

I figured out where John was and that I was in fact still outside Epcot and made my way to the entrance. As I walked through, John yelled for me and waved and then ran around to where we were filing into the park. He scooped me up in a huge hug and huge congratulations; it all hit me and I broke down and started crying and laughing. All the doubt and worry and nerves and pain and sleepless nights, and I DID IT despite all of it. I FINISHED!! The feeling was overwhelming and incredible. We stumbled a little ways into the park and found a quieter spot to sit and stretch. As soon as I stopped moving, my legs went out and I was sitting on the pavement shaking, crying and laughing whether I wanted to be or not. John was reminding me to switch legs stretching and helping me get some Powerade and being excited with me while we waited for my parents. I have never felt anything like that. I was totally spent and covered in sweat and salt crust, achy and cramping and caught in an emotional whirlwind. The feeling of accomplishment was amazing. I couldn’t stand up on my own power, but I felt stronger right then than I have in months and months.

I wound up being too nauseous and tired to really enjoy the Food and Wine festival, so we left early. John helped hold me up as we walked out to the car and up to the hotel room. That shower and sleep are some of the best I’ve ever had and the victory pancakes the next morning were DELICIOUS.

It seems odd to me that so many people told me I was inspiring. Me? No. You have me confused with someone that does amazing things. I’m just a crazy, messed up girl that’s too cheap and proud for therapy that found running instead.

This has not been a journey for the faint of heart, but if you really want it, I can absolutely guarantee that it’s worth it. I’m still no Wonder Woman and the coming months are still likely to be confusing and hard, but something changed on that course. I’m different now. Stronger.

I’m a runner now. I’m a half marathon completer. And it feels REALLY damn good.