Make Yourself

21 Oct

Planned Workout: 5-6 miles, easy pace

Actual Workout: 8.01 miles, 1:09:09, average 8:39/mile, fastest mile: mile 5, 8:12 

Music: Animal I Have BecomePlay for Real, Kill Your Heroes, Shut Me Up (this makes me BOOK), Monster, Burn It Down

A cold front came through Wednesday night and plunged the temperatures down a solid 20 degrees. I slept with the windows open (had a minor freak out and decided to sleep with my pepper spray and the sword since I’m alone in the house now) and yesterday was GORGEOUS outside. I don’t think we hit 70 all day. Sunny, breezy, beautiful. Definitely a day to plan a run outside. Since I haven’t run any kind of distance since the race, I figured I’d aim for 5-6 miles and just go at whatever was comfortable. Well….I ran 8 and only stopped because I was almost back home at that point and figured I should call it. My theory was this. The weather is AWESOME and I had physical anxiety and anger in spades to burn. SO I would just go out, enjoy the weather and run until my legs didn’t feel good and my brain did. Well…that took a while. And then I was just enjoying being outside running and NOT feeling like I was dying, so I just kept going. And not just going, I did sprint sets through the entirety of the run. I kept not feeling tired and expecting to tank at any moment. Just didn’t happen.

This run was the primo example of how much the heat affects me. I struggled to run 9:30/miles when the temp was around 80, but when the humidity plummets to 50-60% and the temp is at a comfy 64 with a good strong breeze…I can go forever and hold a damn respectable pace.

I looked at the calendar and I didn’t think I’d be able to do the Thanksgiving half realistically until I finished the run last night. On the schedule was a 9 mile run…I did 8. I’m still not sure if I actually will run it, but I can enter pretty much up until the day of the race, so I’ll just wait and see. But even if I don’t, that’s fine. That means I can just go to tons of classes at the gym and enjoy getting strong. Also means I can actually make it all the way through the New Rules program, so I’ll document that here. 🙂

I’ve been going to yoga more lately and remembering why I used to love it so much. It’s a good workout and I’m usually tired when I finish, but in ways that lifting and running neglect. It’s the balance, flexibility and control that you gain there and it lets me put all my focus on going a little deeper into a pose than last time, holding it a little longer, breathing a little deeper and NOT thinking about what was making my heart skip beats and my stomach lurch. I’ve never been so upset about something it made me actually vomit before Wednesday. To have your brain so violently react to and reject an idea that it tries to physically purge it from your body is something of an experience. I fought anxiety and nausea all day after that, but managed to make it to yoga and felt at least a little more level afterwards. Overall…not a good day.

I feel like instead of counting down days to a race or days of training, I’ve been unconsciously counting the days since the marriage ended. Days in recovery, if you will, although that number is fuzzy since I keep being re-injured and the true recovery starting line is not clear. It could still be yet to come in the next week or 2 when the divorce is final. All I know is I will try to stay distracted enough to not realize HOW high that recovery day counter will get.

In this vein, I have been trying to figure out for the last week, in the midst of the violent shitstorm of emotions, what it is that I actually want. I keep being stalled. I have no idea and it’s terrifying. Why is it so hard to figure out a direction, vocalize and act on what I want to do with myself now? It should be so easy! I started thinking about THAT and came to a realization.

It is so very easy to dream big and clear, make “someday” plans and say what it is you want when you have limitations and obligations holding you back from achieving them and settle into a comfortable state of complacent “maybe someday when” while allowing all those excuses to keep you from even trying. No money, can’t move the family, the house needs fixing/won’t sell, we can’t take the pets, I have to work, too much to take care of, etc etc, on and on. When the only limitation is my own ambition, enthusiasm and resourcefulness, it becomes terrifying to try to clearly define and verbalize what I really want and what to do. It’s because if it isn’t right, doesn’t work or doesn’t happen at all, there’s nothing and no one to blame for it but myself and my own work ethic and ability or lack thereof. There is a suffocating fear of failure and of having to take ownership of that failure and explain it (not just to others, but to myself) if I’m not successful that took over and paralyzed me.

There’s fear that I’ll find out what I choose was NOT actually what I wanted, of being wrong, not even knowing myself to a basic level and having to come crawling back and try again. Why am I scared of that? Who’s to say something is or isn’t right for ME or that I’m not allowed to not like something? That’s why you try things, right? Are we all so worried what others think we talk ourselves out of trying to make ourselves happy? I think a lot of people get stuck in this phase; some never get out, and I can see why. It’s much easier and more “comfortable” to sit back, not take the chance and complain about how you can’t and how things suck, than it is to problem solve, work and go get what you really want.

I’m not saying there aren’t other challenges. There is still debt and obligations that will have to be dealt with and Self has put on her battle armor and lit the trebuchets, but perhaps the first step to making a clear real decision is to busily liberate myself from all of those things and anything else that could anchor me or prevent me from progressing. Now that I’m not responsible to anyone else for my time, money or well-being, and won’t have the house and all the “stuff” that weighs you down I have an opportunity to “Simplify, Clarify, Economize” and go in a totally new direction. Question is WHAT direction.

In a blind dart throw sort of move, I applied to UCF to finish my bachelors degree starting in January. I know I do want/need to finish it, and I suppose now is as good a time as any, I’m just fighting the urge to knee-jerk, be irresponsible and impulsive, pull up stakes and move someplace new all on my own and figure it out when I get there since being here is so mentally toxic for me right now. I think this circles back to my fear that school will be too difficult and I will fail at it again. Struggling with a tight budget and daily living challenges I am used to and is “comfortable”, struggling to improve is difficult, painful, and has an unknown outcome.

But no, I will be reasonable. I will pay off the debt, finish school and save up a strong financial foundation so that when I do move, I can do it on MY terms and go wherever I want. No settling this time. I AM planning to be a bit manic about school and take as many classes as are humanly possible so I’ll be so busy with that there will be no possible way to think about who’s doing what or whom and why. No thinking about why he thinks I’m not as good as her or how he could do all this any more. I want to get school done FAST so I can be out of here sooner and don’t have time to establish a new comfortable routine of complacency. I’m done being stagnant, apathetic, silent and obsequious. No more just “making do” and taking care of everyone else at the expense of my own happiness and success. Maybe somewhere along the way I can start being a TRUE badass, confident, name-taking bitch so that I don’t make the same mistake of letting someone else’s needs and wants dictate my actions and lifestyle again. Particularly if they are not showing me the same consideration.

I’m shaky and unsure, but I am having moments of clarity now where my rational brain duct tapes Self’s mouth shut, throws her in the trunk of an unmarked black sedan and lets me see that this split WILL actually work out to be a good thing for me eventually and I’ll be stronger for it. I just have to burn the car and dump it in the river before Self escapes and wreaks havok on me again. She’s such a sneaky, evil bitch.

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‘What D’ya Hear, Starbuck?’ ‘Nothin’ But the Rain, Sir.’

17 Oct

Scheduled: Nonexistant

Actual: 3.52 miles, 30:26, Average: 8:39/mile

Normally I would start with stats and figures leading up to the race. But the race is over. And I am still here. I’m still standing. Barely, but I’m still here. The last few weeks have been intensely confusing and painful, but I am still here and I’m looking to refocus on what’s ahead.

Took a week totally off and went to Portland to visit some friends. Ran up and down mountains and hills and did WAY better than I thought I could. apparently the training has been pretty effective. The temperature was also a really nice break. Running in 50 degree weather is infinitely easier than running in 80 degree weather. Looking forward to moving somewhere that has nicer weather in the next few years. I enjoyed Portland, but I don’t think it’s going to be my next home. I realized that what I really want, what I’m really nostalgic for is the Northeast. Real autumn with tons of red and yellow leaves, apple picking and pumpkins, lots of snow in the winter, flowers in the spring and thick grass and lightning bugs in the summer.

I am still entertaining the idea of another half at Thanksgiving in the back of my mind, but that would mean I need to start shifting my runs to early in the morning right quick so I have a possibility of waking up for the 6:15am start time. I think we are truly aiming for another half the first weekend in March of 2012. At that race I’m aiming to break the 2:00:00 mark for time. Right now I think I’m looking to get back into weight lifting and doing a variety of things for workouts. I want to get STRONG again and work on getting faster. I will of course still include running, but I also want to swim and spin and do yoga and lift, perhaps martial arts. We will see.

I am looking into joining a local running club to get me out of the house, run some new routes, prevent me from moping and wallowing and meet some other runners. Maybe find a running buddy locally so I don’t have to be so paranoid about going out and where my pepper spray is. It’s funny how I would go out running by myself without pepper spray, GPS, phone or a second thought when there was someone waiting for me at home, but now that I’m ALONE in the house and on my own, I worry about everything and it’s suddenly pretty scary. If I go out late, there’s nobody to watch me on Glympse or to know if I don’t come home and come looking for me. This is a lot of why I want to get back into martial arts. Learn how to protect myself.

That may be partly why my “easy, goal free” run last night was as quick as it was. I wasn’t pushing myself really, just had a lot of emotions to burn off after the finality of the day sunk in and I was standing alone in the house fighting a panic attack. Went out the door and got my legs moving so I wouldn’t think about it.

I had intended to go farther, but the fact that I hadn’t slept really at all the night before and hadn’t eaten enough made my legs tire out quick. Also had my hip/inner thigh/inner knee start hurting again when I was closing in on 3 miles. Think I need to get the foam roller on it. It didn’t bother me at all in Portland and I did a bit over 3 miles on hills up there, but the pace was also much easier there and I was better rested. I may wind up going to see a doctor about it since rest didn’t seem to fix the problem.

Got home and showered and then just standing in the empty house by myself the anxiety started to creep back in and I started to freak out a little. And then more. And then more. Had to pop one of the pills the dr gave me last time I was there and try to talk myself down while it kicked in. I’m not good at it, apparently. I really hope I learn to get a handle on the panic attacks by myself soon. They are intense and not fun.

I will keep writing this blog and I promise the next one will be a concerted effort to get back to the lighthearted training log I intended when I started this and focus on what’s ahead, rather than on my insecurities and life drama. There will be more running and adventures to come and I hope this will keep me on track and keep me focused on my fitness goals so I don’t let all the work I’ve done go by the wayside.

Oh Hey, Victory. Pretty Sweet Setup You Got. Think I’ll Stay.

3 Oct

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WEDIDITWEDIDITWEDIDITWEDIDIT WE FUCKING DID IT!!!!!!

The spoils!!! Finisher's medal!!

We went, we carbo loaded, we stretched, we ran, we fucking CONQUERED.

Disney Wine & Dine Half Marathon, October 1, 2011 Official results:

Straight off the Run Disney website!

Because I know it’s small and hard to read, and also because I’m super proud of myself right now and want you to read and appreciate this, here’s what it says:

Chip Time: 2:15:57

Overall Placing: 2390 of 8254 finishers (Disney said there were 10,000+ entrants)

Sex Placing: 1065 of 5213 women

Division (Women 25-29) Placing: 262 of 1105

My first time out, with a bum knee, I managed to average 10 minute miles and beat my tentative goal time by 14 minutes. WHAT’S UP?! BRING IT, LIFE!! This weekend has been the most amazing mix of nerves, doubts, excitement, worries, aches, pains, adrenaline and incredible highs.

After spending yesterday icing and soaking and napping and recovering, I am just going to spill out my impressions of the weekend and this first of what I am sure will be many races. I am trying to organize my thoughts, but no guarantees since a lot of it blurred together and I’m not sorry. I earned the longwinded-ness.

I got a REALLY good massage on Friday morning from my neighbor John who owns a massage therapy place in trade for some design work. He spent a solid hour on my legs doing stretches and myofascial release and working out all the kinks. I think I gave him a workout trying to un-knot me and am reasonably sure he is the reason my right leg was able to make it through the race as comfortably as it did, so HUGE thank you to him. 🙂

My on course survival kit, sans Sport Sheild and phone.

I also went and spent a solid 20 minutes comparing knee braces at CVS. I was that person that takes them all out of the package and stands there contemplating the merits and shortcomings of each and talking to myself. I decided on a dual layer system of a light support sleeve with a moderate support adjustable brace over it. That fucker was gonna be SUPPORTED. Saturday morning I woke up earlier than I planned and couldn’t sleep any more so I made a protein shake and 2 pieces of peanut butter toast and watched a movie with my feet up to distract me from the butterflies. Went over my checklist, making sure I had all my gear and necessaries, squashed that last little bit of Self that wanted to listen to my achy knee and stay at home rather than risk mid-course failure and headed out the door.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS REAL. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I spent most of the ride over texting with Brittany about our pre/during snack choices, hydration issues, dinner plans and nerves, texting my friend John (not the neighbor) who would be using the spectator pass I bought about logistics and meeting up at dinner, and painting my nails green to match my running shorts. Hey, I wasn’t in costume. Gimme a break. As we pulled in to the ESPN Sports complex, I saw them setting up the start line and had a mini freak out. I’m not a real athlete!! My knee hurts, I haven’t really run in 2 weeks, I’m gonna crash and burn in front of thousands of people, I shouldn’t be here. SHUT UP, SELF!!

Packet pick up, hotel check in, party pass reassignment and seafood alfredo dinner all went relatively smoothly and we were on to pre-race prep. Saw Brittany for just a few minutes when we picked up our goody bags at the expo and then separated again until race time.

Acting like confident athlete types on the bus to the starting area. That woman in pink is a bad ass, BTW.

At 7:30 it was real no shit get dressed and on the bus go time. John so very helpfully hunted down the ice machine and packed my camelback full of ice for me while I changed, put all my Gu’s in their respective pockets, packed up, laced up, braided and pinned the hair, pinned on my bib and took a deep breath to quiet down the nerves. They dropped me off by the bus loop and I met Brittany in line. We both kept fluctuating between excitement and panic as we rode on the bus over to the start corrals and saw various people and race areas. Nikko called me on the phone to give me a last minute peptalk and encouragement as my long distance support team and my mom called to say they would be able to be at the finish line to see me, which we didn’t think would be possible. This was getting scary real.

Doesn't do it justice at all.

The start area was a massive field and there were people EVERYWHERE. 10,000 people all ready to run a race (some in costume, LOTS in tutus), chatting, stretching, warming up, dancing to the music being played, laying on the grass and taking pictures. Insanity. We all had to be there an hour ahead of race time so they could close the roads we were running on, so we had time to sit there and stretch really well and get good and nervous. They had Mickey and Minnie up on stage and were leading dances and checking in with the relay switch off point. It felt like a festival. 9:30 finally rolled around and it was time to get into line in our corrals to start. I thought I’d be in the last corral, but it turned out I was in the middle. Right smack in the middle of 10,000 runners. WOW. Since Brittany and I were in different corrals, we hugged, wished each other luck and parted ways. I was on my own. It was scary.

I totally stole this from Brittany because I was too busy setting up Glympse to take a pic. This is what it was like starting the race! SO MANY PEOPLE!!

As we were waiting to go, stretching our calves on the curb, they started playing Zombie Nation and counting down each corral. Fireworks went off at the starting line as each group started the race 5 minutes apart. It was chaotic and remarkably smooth at the same time. Then my corral was up next. Everyone around me started moving and buzzing. My heart was hammering. It all hit home like a wave. I’m here. I’M HERE. RIGHT NOW. All the training, all the long weeks of mileage, doubts and soreness, foam rolling and protein shakes, heat strokes, breakthroughs, life and emotional breakdowns, all the minor victories and major struggles have culminated in this moment. And I am here. I made it. I. MADE. IT. I am standing at the starting line to this race and nothing is going to stop me from crossing the finish line.

The crowd was so thick I wound up walking the first tenth of a mile or so since I couldn’t go any faster than that. Had a moment of internal fighting where I was simultaneously pissed and thankful for the mob. It kept me slow and reasonable out of the gate while the music and adrenaline would undoubtedly have made me go way too fast. Once we made the turn out onto the main road it got quiet and all I heard was feet on pavement, people chatting and coaches asking how knees or ankles were and advising on hitting in the toe box. I hopped up on the grass median and started passing people on the outside looking for a more open spot while I waved to all the cops working the event. I started latching on to various runners ahead of me going about my pace and letting them split holes in the crowd. I would just basically draft behind them, slipping through the holes before they closed again, dodging fairy wings and antennae on costumes. I followed a pair of middle aged guys running about a 9:30 pace for about a mile or so this way until I hit an open-ish area and passed them on a hill.

A little after mile 2 The race leaders started passing us on the far side of the divided highway. WTF?!?! We were at mile 2.3 or so and these guys were already closing in on 8!! I had a moment of feeling extremely mediocre and then looked at the literally thousands of other runners right next to me and behind me, all of whom were cheering for these super fast guys and each other and just enjoying this and it went away. I reminded myself I was DOING THIS. I was running a half marathon. Relax. Enjoy this end goal of all my hard work.

They had the floats and dancers from the light parade in Magic Kingdom out on the course. The guys on stilts in light up suits were in pairs in the middle of the course and along the sidelines at intervals along the roads encouraging us and giving out high fives as we ran past. One of them raced me for a few seconds since I was in an open spot at the time and then high fived me before I went on. They had stages set up with live bands playing at different points. All of them were playing THIS SONG when I passed and it was playing on speakers too….this seemed to be the theme of the race. It will be stuck in my head for a month now. A couple other runners and I were joking about it.

It wasn’t until a little after mile 3 that we hit Animal Kingdom. It was kind of neat running up to and through the front gates and on into the park. Felt like a mob scene. I had been consciously keeping my stride really short with higher turnover to protect my knee and hips, but it was starting to get uncomfortable. When I got into the park I accelerated a little bit to pass some people and fit through some holes and was running more of an 8:00-8:30 mile. It actually felt better to stretch my legs out and go faster for a little bit so I maintained that through most of the park. This was sort of tricky since the paths were a bit narrow around the park and I had to keep my eyes peeled for holes. I stuck to the outside mostly, but I felt kind of dumb since I totally missed that I was running around the tree of life because I was concentrating on dodging people, watching the uneven ground and all the twists and turns the track was taking. I was aware of the race photographers snapping photos as I was passing twice and thinking “at least I’m running right now…”. It was really nice, there were trees overhanging the paths and they had special lights and things out all along the track, so there were things to look at even without noticing the HUGE tree…..yea…

The whole race, all along the track there were Disney employees cheering, clapping and encouraging us. I know they were paid to be there and do that, but it still was really nice. Especially since I was on my own with no music for the whole race. As much as I usually scoff at that kind of insincere crap, most of them really honestly did look like they were cheering for us and excited for us. They were telling us we looked great, we were so close to __miles, keep going, we were awesome, etc. A couple times they yelled out “Whose first half?!” And we’d put up our hands and cheer and they’d give an extra loud “YAY!! GO GO GO!!!” It was cool.

I didn’t take my first walk break until just before mile 6 out in the parking lot/highway where it was dark and quiet and my hip started hurting. I walked about a half mile, I think, and then stopped on an overpass to stretch out my hip and quads before starting back up. I ran out of water in the camelback about this time too. I remember miles 6-8 being pretty rough. There were a lot of hills going up and down on-ramps on the way between Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios and no music, employees or entertainment and my hip was really starting to kink and give me grief. Part of this we were running along the highway and lots of cars were honking at us. I caught my impulse to flick them off since it wasn’t Rockledge and it was likely a supportive honk from a family rather than an asshole trying to impress his friends.

I remember seeing one of the light floats sitting on the side of the course at one point and being confused for a second because all I could see was 2 orange stripes on a bunch of blue and thought it was an 11. It didn’t look like a mile marker and the next one should have been 8…weird…Oh. It’s a peacock. That’s its legs. Never mind. Around the corner and up another hill. I heard the GPS on my phone crap out from low battery a little after mile 8, so I took a short walk break and switched it out so Glympse would keep running and my long distance people could keep watching me slog along. Glympse held the track and place and everything!! I didn’t have to reset it!! SWEEET!!

Running through MGM (Sorry, Hollywood Studios) was neat. We went right past Tower of Terror and down the main strip with it all lit up. I was in a clear spot then so got to coast and enjoy it and nobody was telling me not to run, or to be careful because I’d trip or run someone over. They were all encouraging me to run faster! I stopped for my second stretch break on the side of the road shortly after that in one of the back areas of the park. When I stretched it made my leg feel great for about half a mile and then it started cramping again right at the top of my quad and on the outside of my hips. URG. I started really getting tired around 10 miles, but reminded myself I had just broken another personal record. No matter what, this was now the farthest I have ever run and I’m only 5k from the finish. I can do this. Right after the 11 mile marker I stepped off to the side for my last stretch break to make the rather loudly yelling hip kink shut up and get me to the finish. I basically did some yoga on the side of the race course. Deep lunges, crescent pose and pigeon pose since my hands were too sweat slippery to hold on to the post for standing stretches and my leg was shaking a lot.

Leaving MGM heading out around the parking lot beside the lake towards the boardwalk, Epcot and the finish, a good 60 degree breeze kicked up off the water and felt like air conditioning. It was absolutely awesome. I swear I heard angels singing. Gave me a little boost as I ran along the water.

At mile 12, I sent a text to John and Dad letting them know I was closing in on the finish (just said “12!!!!” I was running, after all. Don’t text and run, kids). It is absolutely amazing how close and how far that finish line felt at that moment. Between there and 12.5 miles I hit the wall. My legs turned into lead, I felt like I was running in water, my hips were screaming, I was thirsty and tired and had a moment of panic as I wondered if I could make it.

About that point, I rounded a corner and there was a whole street lined with supporters and employees holding signs and cheering, one of which said “ONLY 400 YARDS LEFT! YOU DID IT!” I almost cried and I pulled out whatever couple drips of steam I had left stuck to the walls of the tank and pushed. I don’t know how, but I pushed and sped up. I could hear the finish line music and announcer. It was close. I was almost there. I WAS GOING TO FINISH!

Came through the last S turn and just when I was starting to contemplate walking, I blasted into the bright lights and crowd and ran across the finish line. I stumbled back to a walk and kept moving through the areas funneling us out of the way to the post race area half wondering if I had really just actually crossed the line (It was huge and lit, there’s no way you could miss it). A girl on the side lines about a hundred yards down put the finisher medal around my neck and I started choke/cry/wheeze/laughing as I remembered to stop my Garmin timer. I tried to stop moving for a second and realized I would fall if I did.

I pulled out my phone to text Nikko and John and thanks to Glympse, I already had a text from Nikko saying “YOU DID IT!!!! YOU FUCKING DID IT!!! I’MSOFUCKINGPROUDOFYOOOUUUU!!!!! 😀 😀 😀 :D” I started laughing and gasp sobbing. I walked through the rest of the lane, got stopped for an official photo where I think I smiled…I was in a haze. I got my snack and checked bag with my clothes and a compliment on my tattoo from the attendant and started texting John to see where they were as I scarfed a banana and tried to calm down my breathing. I was still in shock and disbelief. Did I just do that?! I JUST DID THAT.

I'M A FUCKIN' HALF MARATHON FINISHER!!!! Sitting on the ground recovering.

I figured out where John was and that I was in fact still outside Epcot and made my way to the entrance. As I walked through, John yelled for me and waved and then ran around to where we were filing into the park. He scooped me up in a huge hug and huge congratulations; it all hit me and I broke down and started crying and laughing. All the doubt and worry and nerves and pain and sleepless nights, and I DID IT despite all of it. I FINISHED!! The feeling was overwhelming and incredible. We stumbled a little ways into the park and found a quieter spot to sit and stretch. As soon as I stopped moving, my legs went out and I was sitting on the pavement shaking, crying and laughing whether I wanted to be or not. John was reminding me to switch legs stretching and helping me get some Powerade and being excited with me while we waited for my parents. I have never felt anything like that. I was totally spent and covered in sweat and salt crust, achy and cramping and caught in an emotional whirlwind. The feeling of accomplishment was amazing. I couldn’t stand up on my own power, but I felt stronger right then than I have in months and months.

I wound up being too nauseous and tired to really enjoy the Food and Wine festival, so we left early. John helped hold me up as we walked out to the car and up to the hotel room. That shower and sleep are some of the best I’ve ever had and the victory pancakes the next morning were DELICIOUS.

It seems odd to me that so many people told me I was inspiring. Me? No. You have me confused with someone that does amazing things. I’m just a crazy, messed up girl that’s too cheap and proud for therapy that found running instead.

This has not been a journey for the faint of heart, but if you really want it, I can absolutely guarantee that it’s worth it. I’m still no Wonder Woman and the coming months are still likely to be confusing and hard, but something changed on that course. I’m different now. Stronger.

I’m a runner now. I’m a half marathon completer. And it feels REALLY damn good.

It’s Always Something

29 Sep

Days to Race: 3

Scheduled: Yoga

Actual: Yoga, 1 hr

Days to vacation: 8

Tattoo: Still has hives which are turning into dark spots/scars around it, but healed save for 2 small scabs that may need touch-up

Knee: Not Good

Ice packs: Being used at work and at home

Frustration level: Cranked to 11

Motivation: Lagging

So, after resting the knee for 2 weeks solid and babying it and keeping a brace on it and giving it 2 days completely off after an easy ass kicking 3 on Monday, I went for my last long run last Thursday. I did not make the 11 miler I wanted. I decided to stick to the taper start of 6-8 that was on the schedule. I also decided to do it on the indoor track at the gym in case anything started feeling off so I didn’t have to walk home. Let me tell you how awesome AC while running is. It’s wonderful, especially after getting somewhat used to running in what is essentially a huge steam room for the last 2-3 months.

Where I live right now.

For the first 3 miles I felt awesome. Kept a comfortable pace, listened to my music, eyeballed the guys running on the treadmills and lifting and counted off the laps. Somewhere around mile 4, the knee got that stressed feeling. I slowed down. At 5 miles I was forced to stop, stretch and walk. I walked a half mile to rest it and then tried starting up again. I didn’t make it far. I quit at 6 miles when my knee and quad were both voicing their displeasure with the situation. I cursed, grumbled and limp-stomped my way out of the gym feeling defeated and disappointed.

I rested all weekend. Only riding and even that was light. I swam rather than ran on Monday. The schedule said 4-5 mile easy run, so I swam 2 miles. Side note, I need a new swimsuit. My new bottoms are too big now and the top is rubbing holes in my skin. After about 1-1.5 miles, my knee started hurting while IN THE POOL. This is NOT good. The week of the race and the stupid thing is hurting in the no impact exercise?!?! Fuck off.

Tuesday the schedule said 3 mile easy run. I decided I would go to the indoor track and walk, maybe do a little jogging if it felt good. I walked half a mile, slowly jogged half a mile (I think about a 10:15-10:30 pace judging by the timer on the wall). Let me tell you how much I wanted to keep going and to go faster. But I told Self to STOPIT!, err on the side of caution, and I walked again for another half mile before tentatively picking up another jog set. I made it .3 miles before the knee hurt. I immediately walked. I’m not playing around now. It still hurt while walking. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! NOOOOO!!!!

I am beyond upset and disappointed. I am in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in my life, I’ve trained so hard and so diligently and now when it’s too late to take time off and heal, my knee goes. I cannot have this happen. I have worked too fucking hard to get to and finish this race. It has also taken on more meaning and a life of its own. This was my overcoming the shit happening all around me and kicking ass no matter what. Telling those divorce papers sitting on the table that I’m not scared and will survive this. To have my body give out on me and not let me run is devastating.

I am going to the race. I am going to start. I just don’t know if I’ll finish.

After all the 19 weeks of hard training and how ready the rest of my body feels right now, to have to say that hurts. I wanted SO badly to kick this race’s ass and party like a rockstar afterward and show myself that I’m still strong and I can still accomplish some amazing things. I did not envision myself jogging at a snails pace only to wind up limping brokenly off the sidelines halfway through and catching a shuttle to the finish. It can’t happen. I can walk faster than the required pace assuming I’m not limping, but I also did not envision myself WALKING a half marathon. I did not train and sweat and push and grind through mile after countless mile of burning lungs and legs to WALK. I trained to RUN this damned thing.

I am on rest until the race. I am icing the knee a lot. I have a brace on it all the time, I have it up at my desk at work. I have a massage scheduled for Friday morning. I am concerned however, that part of me has already given up and accepted this as a lost cause. I can’t lose the last bit of fight I have in me. It’s stupid, but I’m ready to cry over this. If I was religious, this is the part where I’d be asking the imaginary man for some favors. I’ve already had my own words from this blog fed back to me by 3 people today trying to remind me of how determined I was starting this thing. I’m feeling sort of like a fraud at the moment.

I should be getting excited and eating all the pasta I can hold about now. I should be packing my gear bag and stretching and feeling good. Instead I’m getting depressed because I can feel this goal slipping out of my grasp at the last minute. I’m sitting here trying to decide if it’s worth blowing out my knee to just run through it and finish this race like I wanted to. All I can do is go and give it my best shot. Self is winning. She’s breaking me down. My confidence is shaky. But I have to try.

I’ll write again this weekend with updates on how the race goes or doesn’t go. I need a damn miracle about now. Something’s gotta give.

There’s a New Me in Town, and She’s All Business

20 Sep

Days to Race: 12 (For last night)

Scheduled: 6 mile easy

Actual: 3.3 miles, 28:21, Avg 8:34/mile

Knee brace: Effective

Swimming and spinning: Are the shit and I will be doing them more

Major Mood Shift: Achieved

Hours spent in tattoo chair: 7

BADASS ARM ART: ACQUIRED

Times I cried this week: 0

Weeks since my last run: 2

Music: My Body (If this is not in your workout mix, it should be), The New Flesh, You Think I Ain’t Worth a Dollar but I Feel Like a Millionaire (This NEEDS to be in your workout mix. If you can sit still while it’s playing you’re not human.), Make Yourself, Propane Nightmares

My sweet ass brand new tattoo right after it was finished. I'll get better pics when it's healed and her face has faded out to where it should be instead of black eyes. NEW ME FTW.

So I really am not sure what caused it exactly, but I had a major mood shift late last week. I am done crying. I have spent more than a month and a half in a pathetic state crying and stressing over someone who has made it abundantly clear that he obviously does not care about me any more and has moved on and I’m done. I’m ready to be mad and make it hurt. I started doing some of the things I’ve wanted to do for a long time but couldn’t because we didn’t have the money or whatever, the biggest of which was I went in and got my first BIG tattoo. I’ve always wished I had the guts to start a sleeve and this piece lent itself perfectly to the space so, I did. Amazing what I can make decisions on and work into my budget when someone else isn’t irresponsibly wasting the money. It took 7 hours of sitting in the chair and it was like a transitional marker for the old pathetic life ending and my new awesome life starting. This is going to sound crazy, but I was almost disappointed it didn’t hurt. Aside from about 10-15 minutes where it registered as uncomfortable, I could have taken a nap almost the whole time. My pain tolerance is pretty high. Maybe this is also why I can work out as hard as I do. Hmmmmm.

The artwork is a piece by Audrey Kawasaki that was one of those I found while stumbling months ago that just made me stop and stare for a long while. It hit home for me then and now it’s all the more meaningful. I’m not going to go into all of what it means for me here. It’s not important and is for me to know and feel. What IS important is that the tattoo artist (Leif McHatton at Studio XIII in Cocoa Beach) did a beyond amazing job and I’m so excited and happy with it. He freehanded in the fall leaves and those may be my favorite part. I may go back for more. 🙂

Right before I went for the tattoo, I went and got a massage and had all my muscles unknotted. Lisa said my knee issue was likely coming from my sartorius (?) muscle being so tight (that’s the one that connects lateral hip to medial knee. YAY medical terminology), but I was totally twisted up head to foot on the right side. I have been swimming and spinning and foam rolling like a nutter to keep the fitness level up and the joint stress down. Have also been doing lots of lunges and one legged squats to build up all those stabilizers and hammering on my core to get that 6 pack out in the open (almost there). Since it’s now do or die time and I have to stay out of the pool until the tattoo heals, I rested the knee and foam rolled twice a day over the weekend and went out for a test run last night. I’m supposed to be starting my taper now, but this week is going to be the last week of training and I’ll just do an easy rest-ish sort of week next week to get ready.

Just planned on an easy 2-3 miles last night just to get back into the groove of feet on pavement and see how everything felt before trying that last 11-12 mile long run on Thursday. I was TIRED all day. Like randomly waking up faceplanted in a puddle of drool on my desk kind of tired (not that that…uh…happened…what?). So I decided to take a quick nap since caffeine was failing me because I was not skipping workouts. I woke up 2 hours later at 9:30. Ah, well. Drag myself up out of bed and out the door.

I was guardedly optimistic. The knee felt pretty good. I put on my knee brace and tunes and stretched really well. Started running and immediately noticed how much more stable and strong I felt. The swimming was GOOOOD. This is DEFINITELY becoming part of the routine at least once or twice a week once my arm skin is back to functional again. I made myself slow down for the first mile and then just stopped worrying and started cruising at whatever felt comfortable which happened to be an 8:00-8:30 pace. I didn’t even bring my Garmin so I didn’t worry about pacing. I just ran. And it felt great. There was a nice cool(ish) breeze blowing and it was quiet outside. I just got to enjoy the run. Felt my right quad trying to get unhappy towards the end, but I foam rolled the crap out of it when I got home. Not taking no for an answer, legs.

My knee is bothering me a little again today, but I’m hoping it’s just some stiffness. I’ll go for a walk later and put some heat on it and see if it helps. While I know even if I just do shorter runs between now and the race I can finish, I want to do that last long one. I want to KNOW I can finish this race and finish it strong.

While I’m certainly not going to say I’m OK now, I’m done crying over people and things that don’t consider me important and I’m done letting things slide. It’s time to cut the anchors, make me the most badass, name-taking me I can be and then, maybe look for someone who can keep up, encourage and challenge me instead of holding me back and feeding the self doubt. It’s scary since I don’t remember who I am outside of the relationship, but also kind of freeing. It means I can be whoever I want to be. I can make myself whoever and whatever it is I have aspirations of being and not worry about if it’s “me” or not. If it feels right, then yes, it’s me, and it ONLY has to feel right to ME. Maybe scary isn’t the right word. It’s scary in the way I imagine taking that step out of the plane to skydive is scary. Once you’re out in the air it’s awesome and exhilerating, but it’s that sitting in the plane on the climb up that makes your stomach twist.

I’m even semi-seriously planning on entering another half marathon for a time goal in November, 8 weeks after this race. Only hitch is it’s in the morning. If I can start getting up pre-dawn for runs, I’ll make it happen and I’ll bust the 2 hour time mark. Bet on it.

Fucking ONWARD. Bitches.

Against the Current

13 Sep

Days to Race: 20

Scheduled: 7 mile tempo

Actual: 1.5 mile swim, apx 1 hr.

Knee: on the edge of stable

Sanity: Also on the edge of stable

I apologize to all 2 of you who read this for the lack of updates. It has literally been all I can do to drag myself out of bed and eat and work out, so updating this just did not make it on the list of things to do.  In the last week or so I have been using endorphins like a drug to keep myself somewhere in the vicinity of stable and prevent me blowing up or melting down in an epic capacity. Any time I feel like I’m about to cry, I go work out. Last weekend this meant I was working out 2 or 3 times a day in addition to dog walks and pacing/cleaning the house and riding. It seems like the only time I’m able to not stress or worry and think about things I shouldn’t is when I work out so hard and/or long that there is no possible way for my brain to think about ANYTHING but what my body is doing at that moment and counting out the rhythm of my breathing. It’s a respite from the storm of crazy that is going on inside my head the rest of the time. I think this desperate, manic exercise effort also contributed to my knee getting stressed out.

On my 5 miler last Tuesday, about a quarter mile from the finish I started getting a little pain in the back of my right knee and on the side of my kneecap. I was so close to the end, I decided to just slow down and keep going, but about a tenth of a mile later, it was obvious if I didn’t stop, I was going to do damage and be sidelined, so I gave up at 4.83 miles and walked the rest of the way home.

I swam the rest of the week and iced it every night. By the weekend it felt better, so I went to spinning class on Saturday morning. Side note, I have gone to 2 spinning classes now and I am definitely going to make it a regular thing. It is very cathartic. The lights are low, the music is loud, I can snag a bike in a back corner, crank the resistance like a crazy and nobody notices if I cry a little. Just letting myself get lost in the music and the rhythm and effort keeps me from thinking too much and pauses the destructive spiral for a little bit. Given, this week I did have to stop a little early because my knee started hurting again and then that led to me slowing down and the crazy thoughts coming back. Cut to me locking myself in the bathroom for a bit until the waterworks shut off.

It’s odd how despite everything going on and all the upheaval and dischord and uncertainty, I never once thought about quitting on this race. That was the one constant I knew I had to do, the one thing I could latch onto and throw myself into. So when my knee started acting up and the possibility that I could be sidelined due to injury surfaced, it threw me into a bit of a panic. The last thing I KNEW I could do was slipping from my grasp. My sanity is on very thin ice. This is not good. I’m trying very hard to do everything in my power to get this knee back to 100% working order before race day because I CANNOT be sidelined. Not less than 3 weeks from race day when I have trained so hard and am practically there. I WILL finish this fucking race, godammit.

That and various stress filled moments managed to cause the first 2 full blown panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life this week/weekend. It is not fun. At all. It was the absolute desperate fight of myself against myself being in denial of the situation at hand and grasping at the last shreds of the life I had and still want. My chest was constricted so I couldn’t breathe, all my muscles were tensed and ready for action, I was nauseous and dizzy and literally all I could do was curl up in a ball on the floor and hyperventilate. I was completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by a tidal wave of fear and depression and hopelessness and after a solid hour of being in 100% fight or flight mode and every muscle in my body being tensed as much as it could while some really dark thoughts went through my head, I managed to fight through enough of it to type out some garbled messages on google chat to the person who I can only describe as my hero, who then called me on the phone, ignored what I’m positive were some strange choking sounds coming from my end and managed to get me focused and breathing again. If it hadn’t been for that, I have a feeling it could have been much much worse and I am incredibly grateful that I have friends like that. I have no idea what I did to deserve it, but I won in the friend department, nonetheless. The day after these I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Everything hurt. Not an ideal workout.

Since my knee is back to iffy status, I have decided that I am only swimming this week and my last long run before D day will be put off until next Monday. That way I get my workouts in and don’t lose the cardiovascular capacity and muscle, but there is no stress on the knee. The only major complaint I have with swimming is the lack of music. All I have to listen to is my own breathing  and splashing, which, if I don’t push  myself hard enough, is a recipe for those thoughts to creep back in. Let me tell you, starting to cry while swimming is a recipe for choking. Don’t do that. It IS a great full body workout though (swimming, not crying) and for the most part makes me focus on my body alignment, tracking and breathing. Perhaps I will attempt a triathlon when this race is over since I’m already swimming and spinning. We shall see.

I have scheduled myself to be insanely busy in the coming days in an attempt to survive the next 2 weeks until I can start focusing on true race preparations and then vacation preparations. I hope my mind makes it to the finish line with my body.

LEGIT, BITCHES!

3 Sep

Days to Race: 29 (AHHHHH!!!!! WHAT?!)

Scheduled: 10 mile long run

Actual: 10.01 miles, 1h:38m:37s, Avg 9:51/m

Stops: 0

Pace for last 1/4 mile: 7:30/m

2nd Gu: taken WHILE RUNNING

Camelback: MUUUUUCH better with small adjustments

Phone battery: Can’t last as long as I can

Sunrise yoga: Difficult after a 10 mile run that ends at 11pm

Seeee?!?!?! Garmin tracked the whole thing!!

Last night I broke through a milestone and completed the unofficial rite of passage that means I can legit, for real, no bullshit call myself a runner no matter who I’m talking to. I did my first 10 mile continuous run and finished feeling good enough to wail down the last quarter mile homestretch all engines ahead full and feel good afterwards. I actually started picking up the pace a little after the 8 mile mark cause my power songs came on and I felt good. Unfortunately this is also conveniently when my cellphone battery got too low to keep GPS tracking me, so the accurate feedback stopped. My mom can vouch, though. She was following me on her bike the whole way. I think mom may have outdone me in the badassery department on this workout since earlier in the week she had a shelf fall on her head and got 3 STAPLES put into her scalp. Did that stop her?? Hell no. 10 mile bike ride? Bring that bitch on. Role models, I has them.

We had awesome luck with crosswalks the few times we needed them and were waiting 10 seconds or less on all of them. Most of the time I’d pause Endomondo, only to have to start it right back up again and barely took a step of walk. I was purposely keeping it slow since it was really humid out and kept my splits really damn consistent at right under 10:00/m. My knees started to feel slightly stressed around the halfway point so I shortened my stride and went for more turnover rather than longer strides to make up the pace. It worked pretty well and they felt better after another mile. Since I was still feeling pretty comfortable at the 5 mile mark when it was time for the prescribed Gu break and I had it stored in a convenient little pocket right on the shoulder strap of my camelback, I decided to not stop to take it. I managed to open it with my teeth and take it a little at a time with sips from my camelback, all WHILE RUNNING. I DIDN’T STOP. It’s these stupid little things that make you feel SUPER legit. Running in the rain, drinking weird concoctions, foam rolling, whatever. Took a Gu while running?? FUCK YEA. I’m serious now. Know what else is serious? The amount of sweat I produced on this run. I quite literally wrung out my shorts in the driveway and was still dripping all over the house on the way to the shower. G.R.O.S.S.

I know I should have been coasting on the afterglow of this run all day today, but it was a bad day emotionally and I couldn’t shake the funk. Not for lack of trying, either. I got up before the sun and went to yoga class at 7 in the fucking morning with a friend. PS, my legs thought this was a funny joke and kept making me almost tip over in the warrior series. I played video games and ran errands. I saw a movie. I took the dog to the park and the store. I impulse purchased stilleto heels for craps sakes!! I DON’T DO THAT!! GIRLS DO THAT!! WTF?!?!  WHO AM I?!?!?!

I was depressed, insecure and on the brink of tears all day and it just sucked the victory right out of me. I should have been walking around all day today telling everyone and anyone that had the misfortune of saying “hi” in my general direction that I kicked 10 miles in the face with my energy legs last night and exalting in the fact that even if I just repeat that performance and walk the rest of the race I will still finish in less than 2:30:00 which was my tentative goal. I was just lost, failing miserably at the instructions given to me by the counselor and thinking about the one person I’m not supposed to. How can I NOT, though, when literally every facet of my life was woven in with him and everything funny, interesting, meaningful or even infuriating, I instantly want to tell him about or think of how he would react. Even this major goalpost got the wind sucked out of it because he wasn’t here to share it with and to tell me he’s proud of me. I feel pathetic for that and hate myself for being so dependent on another person for my happiness, but then that only multiplies the depression. It’s a vicious, perpetual motion machine of mental anguish.

I know it was supposed to be a rest day today, but I did the yoga this morning and I took the dog for an hour long walk tonight. I have managed to forge enough positive mental associations with being outside, on my feet and moving at night that while I was out I felt better and my mood lifted a little. Once my body stops moving, that’s when the brain shifts into overdrive and the spiral continues. I can’t just go forever, so I have to find some way to quiet my brain while my body rests at least a little. As I say this I’m looking at the clock thinking I need to try to sleep because I’m getting up for spinning in the morning.

I’m wondering if my mind or my body will give first and hoping that I’m back on an emotional upswing tomorrow.