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Stop Being Sad and Be Awesome

3 Nov

Planned workout: Plan??? I think I’m going running…I think I’m gonna do 5 miles.

5k completed: 1

10k registered for: 1

Halloween costume: Huge Success! I mean…nobody knew what it was, but it looked awesome.

Mood: Uhhhhhhhhh……I’ll get back to you.

Florida Weather: Can’t make up its mind either.

OK. So here’s the deal. I haven’t updated in a while. I HAVE been working out. Not as much as I wanted, and REALLY cut back on the running, but it was happening. Mostly spinning, short runs and lots of pushups and crunches at home. I actually ran a 5k, which I will tell you about if you can keep your panties on for a hot second.

Yea. THAT motherfucker.

I have stayed away from the blog because I kind of hit the floor and turned into probably the worst version of myself I’ve ever been for the last week or 2. I was as close to a “normal girl” as I’ve ever been and it was disgusting. Like headcrab zombie disgusting. I was like the one covered in jumpy poisonous fuckers that throws them at people. Bonus points if you got that reference (add me on Steam or XBL later…). I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry’s even. It’s still in my freezer since I go in the opposite direction when stressed and lose interest in food….but let’s just leave it with I’m not proud of the last week, and we’re going to pretend it didn’t happen. OK? We shall never speak of this again on penalty of poisonous headcrab and/or crowbar. Whatever’s more available.

Self is still pretty solidly in control of my head at this point…but I have a toothpick the guard dropped and I’m trying to pick the lock on my handcuffs. Just wait, Self. Just wait. Your days of making me say/do degrading, pathetic things and feel shitty about myself are numbered. I’m getting really sick of this and want to feel good again. People send me postcards in my cell of what it’s like outside and it looks pretty badass. I’m gonna shank that bitch Self as soon as I get these cuffs off and bribe the guard and then we’ll see who’s in control.

So anyway, back on track, the place my dad works held a breast cancer benefit 5k last Saturday. Race started at 8:30 AM. You all know my penchant for waking up early, but since they needed entrants and it wasn’t TOOO early, I agreed to run it. Wake up morning of to grey and gross. It’s WET. And MUGGY. Hovering right around the 97-100% humidity marker. Greeaaaaat. Who’s excited to get up and go run in the rain, rather than stay in my nice comfy bed and listen to it? Not exactly me. But get up I did and we headed out.

This race was REALLY badly organized. Particularly in comparison to the Disney race….ouch. The field was really small. Probably 20-30 people total. I figured I’d just wail on it, go as fast as I could and then sit by the tent and have a nap until the walkers came in. Started out and stuck with 2 guys at the front. Then the 1st place guy actually started running and just straight disappeared. He was one of those guys with 0% body fat and little skinny legs for miles. NO chance you’re gonna catch him. The guy in 2nd place I paced until about a half mile in, at which point I managed to pass him and felt awesome for being in 2nd place for about 2 seconds, until a late starter flew up from behind and passed us all. Whatever. I’m still in 3rd. The earliness and the humidity (and let’s not forget the burger and beers I had the night before…I mean…it’s just a 5k…no need to prepare or nothin’…*cough*) started to catch up with me and my legs felt heavy, but I kept telling myself it was ONLY 3 miles. Come on, wussbag. Suck it up and get it moving.

Outta my way, bitches.

I ran the first mile in 7:31. Slowed down after that when the rain started coming down heavier and I had to breathe it/avoid puddles. Where’s my snorkel?? I kept glancing over my shoulder to see if I’d opened up any distance on the guy I passed. Not much. He was sticking with me, so I couldn’t slow down. Managed to finish out the race 3rd overall and fastest of the ladies with a time of 24:51. My goal was 25 mins or less, so BAM. Squeaked it out. Not a HUGE accomplishment since the field was so limited, but still. Not shabby. Squishy wet shoes and soaked clothes standing under the tent waiting for everyone else to finish. Got lots of compliments on my tat. Runners are cool people. 🙂 I didn’t even get an “attagirl” for coming in 3rd, except from the other runners. No prizes, no callout, nothing. A little disappointing. Oh well. I just want a hot shower and dry clothes. I did win a basket of flowers in a raffle, so I’m pretending I won them for coming in 3rd. ;p

Not too shabby! My mom is awesome for helping me with all this. And I know. I'm doing Halloween wrong. I should have been "Sexy Chell" and made that jumpsuit a miniskirt.

Later that day I finished up my awesomely nerdy Halloween costume and went out in downtown with some friends. My longfall boot springs lasted all of about 30 mins, but the rest held up really well. If anyone knows what I was…you’re probably as big a nerd as me and already my friend. A total of 2 people of the thousands in DT Orlando figured it out. The boots weren’t terrible to walk around in once I ditched the broken springs, but they had no padding. Let’s just say that waking up on the couch the next day still wearing half my costume and trying to move my legs was….sensitive. I didn’t stretch or anything after the race and was walking around and dancing in heeled boots all night. My legs were angry. Meh. Count it as a workout. Walk it off.

In an effort to “stop being sad and be awesome instead” which I think is my new morphed version of “nut up or shut up”, I booked a ski trip to Colorado 2 weeks from now which should be epic good times playing in the snow, and also signed myself up to run a 10k on Thanksgiving morning. I KNOW. I’m gonna eat tons of pie Wednesday night, pass out, wake up early and try to run 6 miles before going and stuffing myself again. How could this possibly end badly?? I think I have convinced a couple people to come with me and run the 5k and I think the courses start the same. We’ll see how fast I can do this. I’m not setting a goal because…well…..pie. LOTS of glorious pie. A girl needs priorities.

So what am I getting at with all this? I’m not going to be a ball of sunshine suddenly, but I am not gonna be this pitiful any more. I want to start being awesome again and make it through a day smiling instead of crying. Fuck him. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m done letting him make me feel pathetic and useless. It sucks. I can have a new life. I just have to drag my ass out of bed and get it. I need races and fun things to do and I have lots of vacation time. Anyone that wants to join me, let’s do this.

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Make Yourself

21 Oct

Planned Workout: 5-6 miles, easy pace

Actual Workout: 8.01 miles, 1:09:09, average 8:39/mile, fastest mile: mile 5, 8:12 

Music: Animal I Have BecomePlay for Real, Kill Your Heroes, Shut Me Up (this makes me BOOK), Monster, Burn It Down

A cold front came through Wednesday night and plunged the temperatures down a solid 20 degrees. I slept with the windows open (had a minor freak out and decided to sleep with my pepper spray and the sword since I’m alone in the house now) and yesterday was GORGEOUS outside. I don’t think we hit 70 all day. Sunny, breezy, beautiful. Definitely a day to plan a run outside. Since I haven’t run any kind of distance since the race, I figured I’d aim for 5-6 miles and just go at whatever was comfortable. Well….I ran 8 and only stopped because I was almost back home at that point and figured I should call it. My theory was this. The weather is AWESOME and I had physical anxiety and anger in spades to burn. SO I would just go out, enjoy the weather and run until my legs didn’t feel good and my brain did. Well…that took a while. And then I was just enjoying being outside running and NOT feeling like I was dying, so I just kept going. And not just going, I did sprint sets through the entirety of the run. I kept not feeling tired and expecting to tank at any moment. Just didn’t happen.

This run was the primo example of how much the heat affects me. I struggled to run 9:30/miles when the temp was around 80, but when the humidity plummets to 50-60% and the temp is at a comfy 64 with a good strong breeze…I can go forever and hold a damn respectable pace.

I looked at the calendar and I didn’t think I’d be able to do the Thanksgiving half realistically until I finished the run last night. On the schedule was a 9 mile run…I did 8. I’m still not sure if I actually will run it, but I can enter pretty much up until the day of the race, so I’ll just wait and see. But even if I don’t, that’s fine. That means I can just go to tons of classes at the gym and enjoy getting strong. Also means I can actually make it all the way through the New Rules program, so I’ll document that here. 🙂

I’ve been going to yoga more lately and remembering why I used to love it so much. It’s a good workout and I’m usually tired when I finish, but in ways that lifting and running neglect. It’s the balance, flexibility and control that you gain there and it lets me put all my focus on going a little deeper into a pose than last time, holding it a little longer, breathing a little deeper and NOT thinking about what was making my heart skip beats and my stomach lurch. I’ve never been so upset about something it made me actually vomit before Wednesday. To have your brain so violently react to and reject an idea that it tries to physically purge it from your body is something of an experience. I fought anxiety and nausea all day after that, but managed to make it to yoga and felt at least a little more level afterwards. Overall…not a good day.

I feel like instead of counting down days to a race or days of training, I’ve been unconsciously counting the days since the marriage ended. Days in recovery, if you will, although that number is fuzzy since I keep being re-injured and the true recovery starting line is not clear. It could still be yet to come in the next week or 2 when the divorce is final. All I know is I will try to stay distracted enough to not realize HOW high that recovery day counter will get.

In this vein, I have been trying to figure out for the last week, in the midst of the violent shitstorm of emotions, what it is that I actually want. I keep being stalled. I have no idea and it’s terrifying. Why is it so hard to figure out a direction, vocalize and act on what I want to do with myself now? It should be so easy! I started thinking about THAT and came to a realization.

It is so very easy to dream big and clear, make “someday” plans and say what it is you want when you have limitations and obligations holding you back from achieving them and settle into a comfortable state of complacent “maybe someday when” while allowing all those excuses to keep you from even trying. No money, can’t move the family, the house needs fixing/won’t sell, we can’t take the pets, I have to work, too much to take care of, etc etc, on and on. When the only limitation is my own ambition, enthusiasm and resourcefulness, it becomes terrifying to try to clearly define and verbalize what I really want and what to do. It’s because if it isn’t right, doesn’t work or doesn’t happen at all, there’s nothing and no one to blame for it but myself and my own work ethic and ability or lack thereof. There is a suffocating fear of failure and of having to take ownership of that failure and explain it (not just to others, but to myself) if I’m not successful that took over and paralyzed me.

There’s fear that I’ll find out what I choose was NOT actually what I wanted, of being wrong, not even knowing myself to a basic level and having to come crawling back and try again. Why am I scared of that? Who’s to say something is or isn’t right for ME or that I’m not allowed to not like something? That’s why you try things, right? Are we all so worried what others think we talk ourselves out of trying to make ourselves happy? I think a lot of people get stuck in this phase; some never get out, and I can see why. It’s much easier and more “comfortable” to sit back, not take the chance and complain about how you can’t and how things suck, than it is to problem solve, work and go get what you really want.

I’m not saying there aren’t other challenges. There is still debt and obligations that will have to be dealt with and Self has put on her battle armor and lit the trebuchets, but perhaps the first step to making a clear real decision is to busily liberate myself from all of those things and anything else that could anchor me or prevent me from progressing. Now that I’m not responsible to anyone else for my time, money or well-being, and won’t have the house and all the “stuff” that weighs you down I have an opportunity to “Simplify, Clarify, Economize” and go in a totally new direction. Question is WHAT direction.

In a blind dart throw sort of move, I applied to UCF to finish my bachelors degree starting in January. I know I do want/need to finish it, and I suppose now is as good a time as any, I’m just fighting the urge to knee-jerk, be irresponsible and impulsive, pull up stakes and move someplace new all on my own and figure it out when I get there since being here is so mentally toxic for me right now. I think this circles back to my fear that school will be too difficult and I will fail at it again. Struggling with a tight budget and daily living challenges I am used to and is “comfortable”, struggling to improve is difficult, painful, and has an unknown outcome.

But no, I will be reasonable. I will pay off the debt, finish school and save up a strong financial foundation so that when I do move, I can do it on MY terms and go wherever I want. No settling this time. I AM planning to be a bit manic about school and take as many classes as are humanly possible so I’ll be so busy with that there will be no possible way to think about who’s doing what or whom and why. No thinking about why he thinks I’m not as good as her or how he could do all this any more. I want to get school done FAST so I can be out of here sooner and don’t have time to establish a new comfortable routine of complacency. I’m done being stagnant, apathetic, silent and obsequious. No more just “making do” and taking care of everyone else at the expense of my own happiness and success. Maybe somewhere along the way I can start being a TRUE badass, confident, name-taking bitch so that I don’t make the same mistake of letting someone else’s needs and wants dictate my actions and lifestyle again. Particularly if they are not showing me the same consideration.

I’m shaky and unsure, but I am having moments of clarity now where my rational brain duct tapes Self’s mouth shut, throws her in the trunk of an unmarked black sedan and lets me see that this split WILL actually work out to be a good thing for me eventually and I’ll be stronger for it. I just have to burn the car and dump it in the river before Self escapes and wreaks havok on me again. She’s such a sneaky, evil bitch.